Nash inclined his head to the cupholder in the center of his SUV. “No wonder you asked for an extra-large. You look like crap.”
I grunted as I grabbed the cup and took a long drink. “Gee, thanks.”
I knew I looked like death warmed over. Even Wren had looked a little worried when she took in my face before leaving for work this morning. But that was what happened when you were being tortured by thoughts of the person who was everything to you lying in a bed just steps away from your room. Sleep had not happened.
Nash chuckled. “At least you know I won’t bullshit you.”
“At least there’s that.”
He eased to a stop at the main road, reaching back to scratch Shadow under the chin. “How’d you convince Little Williams to let you take her dog?”
Shadow’s tongue lolled out of her mouth as she happily panted.
“I think Shadow might make a good SAR dog. I told Wren I would try to do some basic training with her. That’s why I asked Law to bring Dad today, too.”
Nash nodded. “You need Maddie to make real progress with her.”
“You talk to her lately?”
Nash’s fingers tightened on the wheel. “Yeah, every now and then. Still in Atlanta with that doofus.”
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning. “You thought every guy Maddie dated was either a creep or a doofus.”
“Probably because they were,” Nash muttered.
Or maybe because my brother had never been able to pull his head out and realize that he was in love with his best friend. “When’s the last time you saw her?”
“I dunno. Like two years ago.”
My brows rose at that. “That’s a long time for her to not come back for a visit.” Even though Maddie’s family situation had been less than stellar, she had good friends here and deep ties to Cedar Ridge.
That telltale muscle in his jaw started to tick. “I think he keeps her pretty busy with events for his non-profit and stuff.”
“That’s a bummer.”
Nash’s knuckles bleached as he gripped the steering wheel even tighter. “Why does everyone have to go off and change things? Our life was good the way it was, wasn’t it?”
I looked at my brother. “You miss her.”
“I miss the hell out of her, and it pisses me off that she had to go and get engaged to some dude who lives across the country.”
I opened my mouth to try to knock some sense into him, and then I thought about how many people had tried to talk to me about Wren—all my siblings except Roan. My parents. My right hand at my company. None of it had done any good. It’d only pissed me off. The only one who could change things for me was me. I had to be ready to come back here and face things.
Maybe ready wasn’t the right word. Nothing could have prepared me to face Wren again. But I had to be willing to live through all the pain for a chance to make things right.
Nash glanced over at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. You just made me think about something.”
He arched his brow in question as he guided his SUV up the mountain.
“I royally messed up with the way I left things. I was so sure I was doing the right thing, but I hurt so many people when I left.”
Nash turned onto a dirt road. “All any of us can do is what we think is right in the moment.”
I looked over at him. “And make amends when our actions miss the mark. I’m sorry, Nash. I know I haven’t been the best brother to you these last few years.”
“Shut up.”
I couldn’t hold in my bark of laughter. “I’m trying to make amends.”
“You don’t need to. So you didn’t want to come back to a place full of hard memories. Was your door always open to me?”
Nash had been to my place in Portland more times than I could count. And he’d used it as a crash pad whenever he needed some city time.
“Sure, but—”
“And did you always pick up the phone when I called?”
My mouth thinned. “I tried to—”
“I’m pretty sure you answered me on that sat phone in the middle of an op in Afghanistan. I heard gunfire. But there you were, asking if I was okay.” Nash pulled into a makeshift parking spot and leveled me with a stare. “You’ve got a messed-up idea of what kind of man you are.”
I opened my mouth, but Nash held up a hand to cut me off. “I’m not saying you’re perfect or that you haven’t hurt people. Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve loved to have you home more. But you aren’t a bad person, Holt. You’ve always had a heart of gold. So much so that you put way too much on your shoulders.”
His words hurt, but it was the good kind of pain, the kind I’d take time and time again.
“Am I allowed to talk yet?” I asked.
Nash huffed out a breath. “Not if you’re going to keep being an idiot.”
I grinned and then pulled him in for a hard hug. “Thank you. I love you, brother.”
He froze and then gave me a hard thump on the back. “You know Grae is going to give us so much shit if we get out of this SUV crying.”
I didn’t try to hold in my laughter as I released him. “Can’t give her an opening.”
“Damn straight.”
We climbed out of the vehicle, and I took in the twenty or so people milling around. The team had grown in the past ten years, but it was just as diverse as it had been before—men and women of a variety of ages. People you wouldn’t think at first glance could hike up a mountain for ten miles and carry someone down. Others who screamed: outdoorsperson.
I opened the back door of the SUV and grabbed Shadow’s leash. She hopped out and immediately began sniffing around.
Grae made a beeline for us, dropping to give Shadow a scratch. “Where’s Wren?”
“She’s working.”
Grae’s eyes widened. “And she let you take Shadow?”
“I have taken care of a dog before,” I muttered.
She chuckled. “It’s just that Shadow is her baby. It’s hard for Wren to leave her with anyone.”
The smallest flicker of something flared to life in my chest—something that felt a lot like hope.
“Hey, man,” Jude called as he walked up. “Glad you decided to come.”
I grinned as I looked around at the familiar setup taking shape and breathed in the mountain air. “Me, too.”
“All right, everyone, gather around,” my dad called. “Who’s going to play our victim today?”
“Not Jude,” Grae quipped. “I had to carry his oversized butt last practice. My back hurt for a week.”
Jude grinned at her. “I could be a lightweight compared to who you might have to carry one of these days.”
Dad frowned at Grae. “He’s right about that. You’ve got extra snacks and your Glucagon kit, right?”
The humor that had been dancing on Grae’s face fled. “I have done this a time or two before.”
“I volunteer Nash for victim,” I cut in before the conversation could devolve.
Nash sent me a withering glare. “Gee, thanks.”
Dad nodded. “Put these under your shirt to get your scent on them. We’ll give them to the dogs.”
“You’re gonna pay for this, Holt,” Nash growled.
Jude choked on a laugh. “Let’s give him a fun injury, Nathan. Broken tailbone maybe?”
Nash chased after Jude, trying to give him a good swift kick. “I’ll show you a broken tailbone.”
I glanced at Grae, hoping for a flicker of a smile, but she stared at the ground. “G.”
She looked up and shook her head. “I’m good. I’m gonna go check my pack.”
Crap. Grae never took kindly to someone challenging her ability to care for herself just because she had type 1 diabetes. But for those of us who had been there when we almost lost her, it was hard not to check and double-check that she had everything she needed.
Shadow let out a little whine, and I tipped my head down. “Need a potty break?”
She panted, and I led her into the forest a couple of steps so she could do her business. As I came back out of the trees, I caught sight of Roan, leaning against a pine, present with the group but not a part of it.
I started over to him. “Hey.”
Roan nodded but didn’t say a word. His eyes warmed a fraction as he took in Shadow, though. Dropping to a crouch, he tapped the ground in front of him, and she came right over. Roan gave her a good scratch behind the ears. “Going to train her for SAR?”
“Gonna see if she can pick up the basics.”
He dipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small treat, offering it to her. “She’ll do good with a job. A purpose.”
“I think so, too. It has to get lonely out at the cabin while Wren’s at work.”
Roan nodded, but I knew he didn’t agree. My second eldest brother lived for solitude. While we all knew where he lived, I didn’t think he’d invited any of us out there. And it wasn’t exactly easy to access even if he had.
“How’s Fish and Wildlife treating you?”
He glanced over at me, a flicker of annoyance passing over his features at being forced into polite conversation. “Good.”
That was it, a single-word answer.
“You should come over to Wren’s. We can all have dinner, or you and I can go on a hike.” I had to try. It was why I was here. But in so many ways, it would be hardest with Roan. His wounds from a decade ago compounded his aloofness.
“Yeah, when work calms down.”
I wasn’t an idiot. I knew work would never calm down. But I’d let Roan off the hook. “You just let me know.”
“Come get your teams,” Dad called.
I scanned the group, looking for the county team leader. “Where’s Phyllis?”
“She retired last month,” Roan said.
Jude fell into step beside me. “They’re still looking for her replacement. Your dad is holding us together right now the best he can.”
Nash moved into our grouping, grabbing a walkie-talkie from the table and turning back to me. “It’s not a fancy security firm, but it’s a job you’d be good at. Has benefits. Maybe you should think about applying.”
The thought of staying lit a fire in me, but it wasn’t completely painful this time. It was a mixture. I’d missed the hell out of doing SAR. I’d missed my family. I’d missed Wren.
But if I stayed, and Wren still wanted nothing to do with me? I’d be signing up for a lifetime of torture.
