I trudged out of the station and into the late afternoon sun. Typically, that crisp, clean air would be enough to soothe away whatever had happened on shift. Not today.
The latest update from Seattle told us that Mr. Peterson was in serious but stable condition. How many times had he asked me to call him Albert? Too many to count. But he was forever in that teacher spot in my mind, and I couldn’t get myself to call him anything that didn’t have a Mr. before it.
When he was well enough to come home, I’d make myself call him Albert. I’d move us on from that place we’d been frozen in for so many years. That I’d been frozen in. It was time. I had to let it go. The pain. The fear. The grief. I had to if I wanted a shot at a full life.
I started toward the parking lot and my truck, but the thought of having to cook something when I got home had me changing directions and heading across the street to Dockside. A cheeseburger, french fries, and a chocolate milkshake the size of my head. There was no way that couldn’t make things better.
As I jogged across the street, my stomach tightened at the sight of the familiar figure. His head was dipped low, a scowl on his face. He looked so similar to his brother that I forced myself to smile whenever I saw Joe Sullivan. But I refused to treat him the way so many others in town did—like he was just as guilty as Randy.
“Hi, Joe.”
The teen’s head jerked up. There was a flash of something in his eyes, and then the scowl was back in place. “Hey.”
Joe lowered his head again, and I couldn’t help but turn as he passed, tracking him with my eyes. He was alone every time I saw him. I got the temptation; it was easier than wondering what your friends might be saying behind your back.
I’d had a few people that I thought I could trust probe for sordid details about the shooting, only to turn around and share them with anyone who would listen—including the press. That kind of betrayal cut deep.
But I had Grae. My gran. Kerry and Nathan. Lawson and Nash. Even Roan had my back. When he’d heard that a couple of boys were hassling me, they’d shown up the next day with black eyes and busted lips. They didn’t bother me again.
Who did Joe have? I knew his parents were basically nonexistent. And they didn’t have any other family that I knew of—and I hadn’t heard of any other friends.
A heaviness settled in my chest. I hoped that after graduation, Joe got the heck out of here and found somewhere he could start fresh and build a new life.
“Was he bothering you?”
The familiar rasp of Holt’s voice had me spinning around on the sidewalk. “What?”
“Was Joe bothering you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I was just spacing out. Long day.”
My gaze caught on the duffel slung over Holt’s shoulder. It wasn’t the small one he’d brought out of his SUV last night. This one was larger. My throat tightened as I struggled to swallow. “Going back to your life?”
Since the moment he’d shown up, I’d wanted nothing more than for Holt to leave so I could go back to the normal I’d created for myself. It was safe. But it was also slowly killing me. Like drinking a little bit of poison every day.
Seeing Holt again had reminded me of how I’d used to live. How we could find fun in the silliest and simplest things. How at peace I’d once felt. It hurt like hell to remember that, but it was so much worse to pretend that it hadn’t existed at all.
Holt’s eyes flared. “Actually, I was going to your place. I wanted to see if I could stay in your extra room.”
My heart lurched, a painful stutter step in my chest. “Why?”
The corner of his mouth kicked up. “I need a place to stay that isn’t run by nosy busybodies.”
I glanced over his shoulder and, sure enough, Ms. Peabody had peeked her head out of the front door of the B&B and was even now watching us like a hawk.
I groaned. “Why is she the worst?”
He chuckled. God, that sound—it was just like I imagined it would be. Deeper. Richer. Like a smoky whiskey that heated you from the inside out. I wanted to drown in that chuckle.
“She has taken it as her personal mission to know everything that happens in this town.”
“And to disseminate the information to every person she comes across,” I grumbled.
“Yeah, I’d like to get out from under that surveillance. Especially since I’m sticking around for a while.”
My traitorous heart picked up its pace. “How long?”
Holt’s thumb swept back and forth across the stubble below his lip. “For the foreseeable future. I need someplace to stay until I can find a longer-term rental.” His deep blue eyes swirled as they bored into mine. “And I hate the idea of you being out at the cabin alone. Especially after today.”
A riot of emotions warred inside me. But that seemed my new normal as long as Holt was around. “It’s not your job to protect me.”
I didn’t say it to be cruel, and that much came across in my tone. It was a simple fact. I’d loved how Holt wanted to care for and protect me a decade ago, but he’d given that away when he let me go. In some ways, it had been a good thing. I’d learned to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. If Holt had stuck around, I wasn’t sure I ever would have done that.
He stared at me, not looking away. “I know it’s not. But let me do it anyway.”
Those eyes that I had gazed into for over half my life pleaded with me now. They were the same ones that had danced with laughter as Grae and I reenacted scenes from Little Women, forcing him and Nash to play Amy and Meg in our band of sisters. The same ones that had filled with tears the day we’d almost lost Grae. The same ones that had shone with love the first time he’d said those three little words to me.
There was only one thing I could say now.
“Okay.”
My bare feet plodded along the grass as I walked toward the water, Shadow at my side. The sun sank lower in the sky, painting it a beautiful cascade of colors. This time of day usually calmed me, but now my body was strung tight, on alert, listening for any hint of sound.
The crunch of tires on gravel wound my muscles tighter. I didn’t turn around. I stayed focused on the horizon.
Shadow let out a bark, and I patted her head. She would have my back always.
A vehicle door opened and shut.
Shadow let out another bark, this one happier, and then took off running. That had me turning. I watched as my dog happily leaped at Holt’s arrival.
He let out a laugh that carried on the breeze. That sound had barely changed, a little deeper now maybe, but the sound itself, the way it was shaped, was just the same.
Holt gave my girl a good rubdown and then picked up a stick and tossed it in the direction of the lake. Shadow took off running as if she were on a single-minded mission. Holt grinned. “She might make a good SAR dog.”
“Law said the same thing. I keep meaning to do some training with her, but there never seems to be enough time.”
He nodded as he moved in my direction. “I could start her on some stuff. I’m rusty, but I bet my dad would help.”
My brows lifted at that.
“We talked,” Holt said. “It’s far from perfect, but it’s better.”
“I’m glad.” And I meant those words. I wanted healing for Holt and his family. Healing for all of us.
“Whatcha got in the bag?” Holt asked hopefully.
I glanced toward where I’d set the takeout bag and an array of drinks on the edge of the firepit. Four Adirondack chairs circled it. This spot had become one of my favorites since buying the cabin. And now I was opening it to him.
“Burgers and fries.”
Holt eyed the drinks. “That a root beer float for me?”
My cheeks flushed. When I’d walked into Dockside to order, knowing that Holt was coming here, I couldn’t stop myself from placing the order I had done before too many times to count. I hadn’t missed the way Jeanie’s eyes had flared at hearing the words pass my lips, but she hadn’t said a thing.
“It’s a preemptive measure. I don’t want you trying to steal any of my milkshake.”
A smile stretched across Holt’s face that hit me right in the stomach. “You’re a goddess among mortals.”
I rolled my eyes and began pulling food out of the bag as Shadow ran back for another round of fetch with her new best friend. “Just a smart mortal who doesn’t want her dessert stolen.”
“That, too.”
Grabbing Holt’s burger and fries, I offered them to him. His hands closed around mine, a brush of skin against skin that I’d felt so many times before. Only now, I didn’t take it for granted. I soaked up the buzz of awareness, letting the hum of sensation soak deep into my bones and hoping I’d be able to keep it there forever.
The slight tightening of his fingers around mine told me that Holt felt it, too. “Thank you. I’m starving.”
His voice was just a little deeper, huskier.
I hurried to pull my hands away, took the rest of the contents out of the bag, and then retreated to my chair, taking a long pull from my milkshake. “No problem.”
I stared out at the lake with intense focus. The rippling water was far better than the temptation of Holt’s face.
“It’s a beautiful spot.”
I pulled my legs onto the chair and crossed them, depositing my food in my lap. “I’m partial to it.”
“How long have you lived here?”
Spinning a french fry between my fingers, I fought the urge to look at Holt. “Almost five years now. Gran and I had a place in town before that.”
Because she’d dropped everything when she heard about the shooting and moved to Cedar Ridge. When it became obvious that my parents had no plans to stay put, even though I’d been through a horrific trauma, she moved me in with her.
Holt was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry you lost her.”
I jerked, my gaze going to him now. “How’d you know?”
He plucked at his burger bun. “I kept an eye on things from afar.”
Those icy claws of grief and rage dug into my heart again. “But you didn’t even call when you knew she was gone?”
Holt knew better than anyone how much Gran had meant to me. Other than him, she was my lifeline. When she passed, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep going.
Pain flashed across his face. “I went to the funeral. I almost talked to you, but you had so many people around you, and I didn’t know if my presence would make things worse.”
My heart thudded against my ribs. “You were there?”
I searched back to the day of the memorial. A cemetery outside of Seattle where my grandfather was buried, too. It had been gray and dreary—so fitting. And there had been so many people. Because Gran was loved like crazy. Holt could’ve easily slipped through the crowd without being noticed.
“I loved her, too. Mostly because she loved you so damn much.”
The ache was almost too much. It was easier to think Holt had stayed away because he hadn’t wanted me, not because he’d loved me too much. Easier to think that he hadn’t thought about me once since he’d left, not that he’d kept tabs and been a ghost around the edges of my life.
“Why?” I croaked.
A sad smile played on his lips. “Not sure you’re ready for that answer, Cricket.”
