since Chloe came to my door, and I cried in her arms. Five days since I discovered the truth that Dad forced Drew away years ago. Five days since I called Logan and he told me his family will lose everything if he doesn’t marry Gabrielle. And five days since I told him he should marry her. Because I don’t deserve him.
That’s the hard truth.
Five days feels like five decades when you don’t hear from the one person whose voice you so desperately need to hear. But I can’t call him. It’s not fair.
Drew said Logan’s been pulling all-nighters, desperately seeking a solution. Debt recovery agents turned up at his parents’ house and cleared it out. He’s been reeling ever since. My heart is breaking for him, wishing I could speak to him. But I’ll only confuse things if I call. Distract him when he needs to focus. I need to take comfort from knowing that Drew, Dax, and Tanner have been keeping an eye on him and helping with what they can. One positive is that it’s sped up Logan and Drew’s truce. Drew hasn’t mentioned me and Logan since.
All talk of it has been left in the past. Like it never happened.
“You sure he’s doing okay?” I ask Drew as he digs around inside his toolbox in my kitchen.
“No. But he’ll live.” Drew pulls out a screwdriver, then pulls his phone from his back jean pocket as it buzzes. “Great, they’re here.”
“Who are?” I ask as he presses the button on my camera system to buzz them in.
“The boys.”
I follow him to my front door.
“All right?” Drew tips his chin as he opens the door and Tanner and Dax file in dressed in paint splattered jeans and ripped t-shirts.
“What are you both doing here?” My stomach drops as Drew shuts the door and Logan doesn’t appear. The four are usually together.
“Hey, Maddy.” Tanner looks tired but smiles as he passes me. He goes straight into my hallway cupboard where the fuse box is.
“Morning, Maddy.” Dax nods, his tattooed arms flexing around the giant box he’s carrying.
“You’re only supposed to be helping me fix that door that keeps jamming. What’s all this?”
“Logan’s idea,” Tanner calls from inside the cupboard.
“Call it a gift,” Dax adds as he sets the box down and opens it. He begins pulling out wires and some round white discs.
Drew pulls a measuring tape from his back pocket. “I’ll mark up in the bathroom, yeah?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Tanner answers.
I scramble after Drew as he strides off humming to himself.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Logan said we ought to do this when you were out so you don’t ask questions.”
“What is this?”
Drew starts marking up the wall in my bathroom with a pencil. “It’s his way of saying sorry. He said he feels bad about you and me falling out after I found out about you two.”
“We didn’t fall out,” I say as he continues making measurements and marks.
“I know. But he feels like an asshole about it, and he’s bought all the kit for us to install, so…” Drew shrugs.
God, I want to punch him. My big brother is irritatingly vague sometimes. I swear he does it on purpose because he enjoys winding me up.
“And what kit is this exactly?”
“A built-in speaker system. So you can listen to your books and shit.”
“Logan said that?” I freeze, my skin prickling.
Drew writes measurements on the paintwork. “Minus the ‘and shit’ part, but yeah, pretty much.” He places his pencil behind his ear, narrowing his eyes as he assesses the wall. “He said it had to include the bathroom because you like to listen in the tub. Although don’t fucking tell me how he knows that.”
In the tub? Memories of his house in Rome and being pressed against him wet and naked assault my mind. That was before we’d ever kissed. Before we’d ever… Back when I still hated him.
“I can’t believe Logan asked you guys to put this in my apartment for me.”
My throat goes dry and I blink furiously as Drew turns to me.
His expression softens a touch. “I’m not going to lie, Maddy. I’m still fucking pissed about you two.”
“There is no us. He’s better off… Never mind.” I shrug and bite my bottom lip.
He stares at me unblinking like he doesn’t believe a word. “Well, whatever you want to call it, Logan’s got enough shit going on right now, he doesn’t need more. We talked, and we’re good.”
“You are?”
“We’ve got to be. Like I said, he doesn’t need any more shit right now.” Drew’s tone takes on a hint of warning.
I nod. It’s his way of saying his friend needs him so he’s stepping up and pushing his anger aside. Drew’s always been fiercely loyal to his friends. Yet, it still feels like he means me. Like I cause Logan shit every time I’m near him. Maybe that’s true. He’d be better far, far away from me, the girl who judged and blamed him unfairly. It’s been one big fuck up since the day we first met. We were just never meant to be.
“I can’t believe how serious everything’s getting with his dad and the business.”
“Logan’s on it. He’ll find a way,” Drew says as he steps back, admiring the preparation work he’s drawn all over my walls.
I want to ask him what he means, to dig for any clues I can get. But I’m reluctant to do anything that he might later mention to Logan, or that could result in more questions about what happened between us. I don’t think I can handle any more questions that I can’t answer right now.
“This shouldn’t take long. If any walls or paintwork need re-touching, I’ll get one of the team in to sort it next week for you,” Drew says, slipping back into work mode.
“Um… Okay.”
He strides past me, heading off to talk to Tanner and Dax.
I go to my bedroom and snatch up my phone. I’ve refrained for days, but now my fingers can’t move fast enough, even if this is a bad idea.
Me: I don’t know what to say. The sound system? It’s so thoughtful, but I don’t understand why you’re the one apologizing.
My phone buzzes almost immediately and my heart clutches tightly in my chest at seeing his name light it up.
Logan: I like to see you smile. Isn’t that reason enough?
Me: Not when I’m the one who was wrong.
Logan: It’s all in the past.
Me: No. It should be me doing something for you, not the other way around.
Logan: You’re wrong. But if it makes you feel better, then I’m sure you’ll get the chance one day.
Me: Okay.
Logan: And, Smiles?
Me: Yeah.
Logan: You still haven’t told me what happened with Frederica and Cameron.
My grip tightens on my phone. I haven’t listened to that book he gave me on the flight back from Italy. I’ve been putting it off, and I’m not even sure why.
Me: I’ll let you know.
Logan: Okay. I’m heading into another meeting. Say hi to the boys and go easy on them. It was my idea.
Me: Go easy? I’m not promising anything.
Logan: Just don’t kill them… and happy listening, Smiles.
“I told you we are two souls made from the same star. Where you are light, I am dark. Opposites in every way, destined to come together, like magnets. It’s inevitable, Frederica. There’s never been any doubt for me. It’s always been you.”
I lift the glass of wine to my lips, leaning back and soaking in the hot water as the sounds of Frederica and Cameron’s desperate words play through the speakers. I feel like I should finish it because I promised Logan I would. But I struggle every time I try. Because now I know without a doubt that it isn’t my ears, or my earbuds, or anything else making Nate’s voice sound different.
It’s because he isn’t him.
He isn’t Logan.
I drop my head back and look at the ceiling. All I’ve known is hating him for something I thought was his fault when it wasn’t. But I needed someone to blame because I was young and alone and hurting. Then Italy happened. Until then my feelings were safely locked in a box of hate and loathing. But now that box has been smashed to pieces. Exposed for the ugly lie it always was. And I’m left alone again. Pining after the man I don’t deserve and can never have.
Even our families can’t see us together. Drew’s still mad, even though he’s suppressed it for now. And Logan’s family want him to marry Gabrielle in a union that will pave a bright future for all concerned. They couldn’t be more perfect together. I saw the way she looked at him when she kissed him in the hotel bar. She sees what the world sees, an incredibly talented man with so much to give.
A man who will lose everything if I let him choose me.
That’s if he even wants to choose me. I can’t allow myself to imagine that scenario. He’d have nothing if he was with me. He’d lose his dream and ruin the relationship he has with his family.
I’d be his ruin.
My heart clenches. I dry my hand on the towel hanging over the side of the tub and pick up my phone, opening the app for the speaker system. I turn Nate’s voice off and click through the files until I find what I’m looking for. I’ll regret this, it’ll only make me feel worse. But I’m doing it anyway. I crave it.
I take a slow breath and press play.
Logan’s voice floats from the speaker as he talks in fluent Italian. I don’t know what he’s saying. Things about Vex. It doesn’t matter. He could recite the periodic table and my body would still tingle from head to toe like it is now.
I take another sip of wine and slip my free hand beneath the water, inhaling sharply as my fingertips brush my swollen clit. A few words out of his mouth and I’m already aching for him. I squeeze my eyes shut as I slide my fingers over myself and imagine they’re his. I rub myself, tilting my head to one side, exposing my neck, imagining his lips there, kissing, sucking, tasting, whispering words that turn me on so much.
My orgasm creeps up on me fast as Logan’s voice fills my ears. My body jolts in the water, causing my glass to tilt in my hand. The wine is swallowed up by the water as it spills out. I murmur his name, my voice cracking as my cheeks burn beneath a wetness that’s too salty to be bathwater.
I look at the speaker disc on the wall as he laughs. It’s full and soothing. A direct contrast to the empty, painful tears spilling from my eyes.
Hearing the happiness in his voice as he talks about the project, about his dream, it’s too much. I grab my phone and turn the audio off, then drop it onto the bathmat.
Silence engulfs the room.
He’s so close to losing everything. It’s not fair. None of it is fair.
My phone rings. I sit up in the water, hope making my stomach flutter. It could be Logan calling to say he’s found a way to save the business. Something that means he won’t lose his dream. I want him to have it. He deserves it and so much more.
Please.
I frown at the name on the screen before I answer.
“Nate?”
“Maddy? How are you?”
“I’m good. And you?”
“Glad to hear it. I’m great. I wanted to ask if you’re free to have dinner with me?”
