My entire body trembled, each vibration utterly painful. The agony was a mixture of memories and knowing that I was hurting Nash—the last thing I ever wanted to do.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. For so much. Falling for Adam’s pretty lies. Staying when I should’ve left. Letting him hurt me. Hiding it all from the person I shared everything with. And dumping it all on Nash now.
None of it was fair. Not a damn thing. But I had to tell him. He had to understand how deep the hatred went. Adam would do anything to hurt Nash simply because he mattered to me.
Nash was quiet, but his body was anything but silent. It moved in staccato motions as if energy were bubbling beneath the surface, just dying to get free. “None of this is your fault.”
His words only broke my heart more. Because I saw the truth. Nash was taking this all on his shoulders. “It’s not yours either.”
I reached out, wanting to comfort him, but Nash stepped out of my reach. That tiny movement shattered something inside me.
“I need a minute. I just—I can’t.” Nash started for the back door and then paused. “I can’t leave you alone.”
Those shattered pieces dug in deeper. “Grae’s coming over.” It was the last thing I wanted to say. I wanted to beg him not to leave. Wanted to throw myself at him and not let go. But I wouldn’t hold him hostage. Couldn’t do that to him.
His head moved in a jerky nod, and then he was gone.
Why did that feel like goodbye? Silent words clawed at my throat, the ones that begged him to stay. Ones infused with the knowledge that he consumed me, body and soul. But I shoved them down.
Instead, I watched as Nash disappeared into the house. A few seconds later, I heard an engine start and tires on gravel.
I felt the tick of each second. Every one felt like a knife plunging into my chest.
Clyde licked my cheek. I wrapped my hands around his neck and buried my face in his fur. “It’s gonna be okay. He’ll be back. We’ll work it out.”
I had to have faith. I’d blindsided Nash with the thing I knew would hurt him the most. Because Nash had always been my protector. The fact that he could’ve been the catalyst for my pain was more than he could take.
Everything inside me twisted into a tight spiral of anxiety. Fear that Nash would never be able to see past this and would always blame himself. That it would eat away at our relationship like cancer.
I didn’t know how long I stayed like that, simply holding on to and accepting the comfort of a sweet dog. Finally, I let out a slow, shaky breath and released Clyde. He nosed my side as if to say, “It’ll be okay,” and then went off in search of his ball. Pushing to my feet, I started for the back door. My eyes ached something fierce, and I headed for the bathroom.
I turned the water as cold as it would go, splashing my face repeatedly. I welcomed the bite of it and the soothing coolness on my abused eyes. After a few moments, I reached for a towel and dried off.
As my head lifted, I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and winced. My face was puffy and red. My eyes bloodshot.
The ringing coming from my back pocket startled me out of my examination. I fumbled to pull my phone out of my pocket, hoping it was Nash. Disappointment swept through me as I saw Grae’s name on the screen.
I thought about ignoring the call for a moment but then hit accept. “Hey, G.”
“I’m running a little late, sorry. Wait, are you sick? Your voice sounds weird.”
That was a nice way of putting it. I sounded like a cross between a frog and an eighty-year-old chain smoker. “I think I messed up.”
“What happened? Are you okay? I’m breaking some speeding laws. I’ll be there soon.”
God, she was such a good friend. “I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
I gripped my phone tighter as I stepped into the hallway and wandered toward the living room. “I kept something from Nash.”
The hum of Grae’s car sounded over the line. “What kind of something? Like you don’t actually like that awful pizza you two always order, or that you’re secretly a serial killer?”
A noise escaped my throat, one that wanted to be a laugh but didn’t quite make it. “One of Adam’s biggest triggers was Nash.”
Grae sucked in a sharp breath in instant understanding.
“I never wanted him to know, but Nash wasn’t getting it. He doesn’t understand just how much Adam hates him. How much Adam wants to ruin him. He needed to understand.”
“Maddie…”
The tears came then. “I never wanted him to know,” I said again. “I never want to hurt him.”
“I know,” Grae assured me. “And Nash knows that, too, but I bet he went postal.”
“He went freaky calm and then just left.”
Grae cursed. “I’m so sorry. He’s always been that way. Needs space to figure things out. He’ll come back.”
When he’d taken that space before, he’d wanted it with me. I’d lost track of how many times Nash had shown up at my house or work and asked me to go for a drive with him. We’d sit in silence until he was ready to talk it all out.
Walking away from me instead of taking me with him? It cut me to the quick.
“Am I a horrible human being?” I croaked.
“No!” Grae hurried to say. “You’ve been through hell, and you should’ve done whatever you needed to take care of yourself. You don’t owe Nash every detail of your pain.”
“We used to tell each other everything…”
“Well, he always hid that he was head over heels in love with you, so I guess you two are even now.”
I wanted to smile at that, but I couldn’t get my lips to obey.
Grae sighed. “There’s no good answer here. Nash sees it as his job to keep you safe. He always has. This will mess with his head, but he needed to know. You did the right thing.”
I waited for the relief that should’ve come with Grae’s words. It didn’t. “I’m terrified this will mess with his head too much. That we won’t be able to work through it.”
My voice broke on the second sentence. It was my greatest fear spoken aloud.
“You guys have been through hell, and you’ve gotten through it together. You’ll get through this, too. All you can do is love him as he spirals. Keep telling him that it’s not his fault. He’ll hear you eventually. I promise.”
I’d loved Nash for most of my life. I’d loved him with silent words echoed in the dark. I’d loved him with whispered words carried on the wind. I’d loved him every single day, even when I thought there was no hope of him ever returning the feeling. I would love him now, too.
“I’m stubborn. I can outlast any misplaced guilt.”
Grae chuckled at that. “You’ve also got the patience of a saint, so I know you can do this.”
The floorboard creaked behind me, and I turned to call Clyde. Before I could, hands yanked me roughly backward. The force sent my phone flying across the floor and startled a scream from my lips.
Barking sounded from the backyard, panicked and fierce. A hand covered my mouth as something jabbed into my side. I cried out, kicking backward. There was a loud grunt.
I tried to turn, to escape the person’s hold. I clawed and scratched, but a heaviness seeped into my muscles as if they were suddenly coated in lead. My vision tunneled, and then I was sinking into nothing.
