I stride into the admin office just as the second period bell rings, tossing my backpack on the desk before I turn to face Vivian and blurt, “I’m in love with Arch Lancaster.”
Vivian blinks, seemingly taken aback, and I almost feel bad about my outburst but oh my God.
It feels like I’ve been holding that in for so long, and it’s a relief to say the words out loud.
“Honey.” Vivian rests her hand against her chest, like this is all too much for her heart. “I thought you two were just friends.”
“Yes. We were. And then we got…closer. The problem is I like him too much. I love him.” I fall into a chair and prop my elbows on the desk, burying my face in my hands. “I’m in love with him and I’m miserable because I broke up with him.”
“You two were actually together?”
I drop my hands from my face, thankful I don’t feel any tears trying to form. The last thing I want to do is cry. I’m so over crying. “For a little while.”
“I’m so confused,” she murmurs to herself, shaking her head. “Why would you end things with him if you’re in love with him?”
“Because.” A sigh leaves me and I hang my head. “My father made me.”
“Ralph?” Now Vivian really sounds surprised. “Why would he make you break up with Arch?”
“He doesn’t approve.”
“Well,” Vivian’s mouth sets into a firm line, “I can see why.”
My heart drops. Vivian’s opinion of Arch has never been high. She always acted as if she was merely tolerating him.
“But I saw the way he behaved around you, and I liked it. He was kind and considerate of you always. Flirting all the time too. The boy can be quite charming. I can see how you fell for him.”
My heart soars back into place. “He was charming, wasn’t he?”
Vivian nods. “Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”
“I’m scared.” It was scary enough just telling Vivian how I feel about Arch, and she wouldn’t judge me for this. At least not to my face. “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
He did feel the same way. I broke his heart. But that was a month ago.
Feelings can change.
“You won’t know unless you ask him?” Her smile is gentle. “Though I know that won’t be easy for you.”
A sigh leaves me and I shake my head. I feel dumb. I have no friends and I’m talking about boy troubles with the headmaster’s secretary. It’s like I’ve hit a new low and I’m pretty certain I can’t get any lower.
I truly believed my feelings for Arch would lessen over time but no. They’ve gotten stronger. To the point that I’m overwhelmed with love for him. I can’t think about anything else. Or anyone else. I’m not doing as well at school. I can’t concentrate. I’m mad at my father for keeping us apart, and he knows it. He tries to make conversation with me, but my answers are always short, and I don’t spend as much time with him like I used to.
In turn, he’s now officially together with Kathy so he’s not around much anyway, and that fills me with resentment. It’s okay for him to move on and find someone new, yet I can’t?
That’s not fair.
I started reading a romance book recently and of course, it makes me think about Arch. How the main male character reminds me of him. The things they do remind me of us. I started highlighting and annotating and…
Yes. I left my book in the desk on purpose, hoping Arch would see it and read it. Maybe even annotate and highlight parts with the pen I left for him.
Pathetic? For sure. I’m a mess over this boy, and I’m tired of holding back. I’m tired of being the good daughter and doing what my father wishes. I’m tired of making myself sick with misery over not having Arch in my life.
I deserve happiness. I deserve love. And Arch brings me both things. I need him. I want him.
I’m in love with him.
And what’s so wrong with that?
Vivian and I talk a little more about my issues but then the phone starts ringing and eventually Matthews comes in, asking us to do a few administrative tasks. Vivian has me filing papers and it’s just the mindless distraction I need.
The rest of the morning goes like it’s gone for the last thirty days or so. I ignore Arch in every class we share together and he does the same. Sitting with his friends. Stretching his legs out like he always does, laughing and sounding full of joy while I sit alone with my misery. I feel pitiful. Invisible.
But what did I expect? That Arch would read the passages in my book and feel the need to approach me today about it? Of course, he wouldn’t. Even if he did find my book, he probably thought my little idea was stupid. Cowardly.
I spend lunch outside, soaking up the sun, knowing we’re nearing the end of days like this. Soon it’ll be cold and rainy, and then even colder and snowy. I don’t bother going to our garden though. The roses are all gone, which makes me sad. The only evidence that remains is the dried-up petals scattered across the ground. The garden has gone dormant. What was beautiful and blooming is now dried up or dead.
Even the roses Arch gave me for my birthday have stopped blooming, though that’s normal. I miss seeing them. Like I miss seeing Arch’s face, the intimate smile that would stretch across it. The one that was just for me.
My chest aches at the mere thought of it.
When I walk into my statistics class, I’m relieved to find Mrs. Nelson isn’t at her desk yet. I go straight to my desk and peek inside to see the book still sitting there. Trying not to get my hopes up—he might’ve never noticed it in the first place—I pull the book out, realizing that there’s something inside of the pages. I flip the book open to discover a folded piece of lined paper.
My heart thumping wildly, I take the note out and unfold it carefully, my breaths coming faster when I see Arch’s bold handwriting.
Daze,
If you’re trying to tell me something with the passages you highlighted in this book, then I got the message loud and clear. There are a few things I need to tell you too and I used the highlighter you left behind (thanks for that BTW) so read them and think of me.
That’s what I did. When I read the parts you highlighted, I thought of you. Nothing else but you.
I know it’s hard for you to confront your problems and share your feelings. I know you’ve spent the last six years isolating yourself and there’s a big part of you that prefers living that way, but I also know there’s a tiny part of you that liked the attention I gave you.
You’re like the roses you love so much. They can only grow when they’re fed and watered and basking in the light.
Let me be your light, Daisy. And you can be my rose.
That was really fucking corny but you know what I mean.
Love,
A
A huff of laughter leaves my lips and I press shaky fingers against them, trying to contain the tears that want to fall. Though they’re not sad tears. Not even close.
I’m happy.
He gets me like no one else does. He sees me when I’m positive I’m invisible. He’s the only person who truly understands me, and I don’t know how I let my father deprive me of being with Arch for this long.
Students start to enter the classroom and I ignore them. I’m flipping through the book, searching for any trace of blue highlighter and when I find the first one, I read the line he highlighted with my heart in my throat.
I am a patient man, but I can wait for her for only so long.
Oh my. If that isn’t an ominous message.
There’s only one other part he highlighted, this one a little dirtier. Much like the slightly dirty one I highlighted for him.
She tastes like heaven. And when I make her come with my lips and tongue, when I clutch her hips and she grinds her face against my mouth, I immediately want to make her come again.
I never want to stop.
This girl is mine, whether she realizes it or not.
All.
Mine.
“Daisy, are you okay?”
I jerk my head up, my gaze meeting Mrs. Nelson’s, who’s watching me with concern. Her brows are lowered and she’s frowning and I blink at her. “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
My voice is shaky. I don’t sound fine, but hopefully she doesn’t notice.
“You’re flushed. Your face is so red. Are you feeling okay?”
This is embarrassing. I’m flushed from the words I just read. Knowing Arch wanted me to read that part has me flustered.
“I’m okay. Really.” I duck my head, my vision blurry, and thankfully someone approaches, distracting her completely. I pull out a piece of lined paper and a pen and start writing my response.
Arch,
No one understands me like you do, and while this is the most cowardly way ever to reach out to you, this was the only way I could do it. I love the parts you highlighted, and one in particular reminds me of what we’ve done together.
I want to do that with you again. And just to let you know, when I read the part earlier, Mrs. Nelson asked if I was okay because I was all flushed. I lied when I reassured her that I was fine.
I’m not fine. I miss you so much. I let my father control me but I’ve learned that no one really watches out for me except for…me. And for the first time in my life, I want to defy my father and do what I want.
Be with who I want.
But I’m scared. I need to know you’re all in. And you’re probably scared of me because of what I did before, which I totally understand.
Just know I’m all in this time around. I promise. And I don’t break promises.
You told me once that I was your favorite.
Am I still?
xoxo,
Daze
I don’t bother highlighting any other parts. I told him everything that I feel and that’s enough.
Folding the paper with still shaking fingers, I shove it back in the book and put it away in the desk. I’m keeping the note Arch wrote me. No way do I want that to get lost. It’s probably the most meaningful thing anyone has ever given me. I’ll cherish it forever. But for now…
I wait.
