“Hoooolt,” a feminine voice singsonged.
I froze in the entryway of the bed and breakfast. I’d known it was a risk to stay here, but I hadn’t wanted to stay at my parents’ place, and my siblings all had their own lives; they didn’t need me crowding their space.
I slowly turned around and forced a smile as I took in the woman in her early sixties. “Ms. Peabody. Nice to see you.”
She clasped her hands in front of her and practically vibrated with excitement. “You’re grown now. You know you can call me Janice.”
Her nickname growing up had been Ms. Busybody, and with good reason.
“All right, Janice.”
Her shoulders gave a little shimmy. “I was so excited when I saw your name on the roster. I knew you’d come home eventually. All good sons do.” She leaned in a little closer, a look of exaggerated sympathy on her face. “How is it being back? I know there has to be a lot of memories…”
Janice let the sentence hang, waiting for me to finish it. She’d be waiting a hell of a long time.
I locked down my expression. I’d had years to master my blank mask. She wasn’t getting any tidbits of information to gossip over with her cronies.
“It’s good to be back, but I need to head out. Wouldn’t want to be late to my parents’.”
“Oh, of course not. Tell your mom hi for me.”
I didn’t miss the disappointment in her voice. I’d continue being a disappointment every time she tried one of these ambushes. I’d tried to snag one of the vacation rentals in town, but they were all booked up for the season. Still, it might be worth trying again in case someone had canceled.
Giving Janice a nod, I headed for the door.
“Wren’s working across the street. I’m sure your brothers told you, but just in case they didn’t…I’m sure she’d love to see you.”
My gait hitched in mid-step. So much for that blank mask. But I didn’t say a word, just kept walking.
My pulse beat harder in my neck, the rapid rhythm of trying to fight off the memories. The sticky feeling of her blood between my fingers. Her fading heartbeat. The knowledge that I’d failed her. She’d almost died because of me. Because I’d let Nash distract me. I might as well have been holding the gun myself.
I sucked in the mountain air as I stepped outside onto Main Street. There was nothing like it. It didn’t matter how many places I’d been, none of them smelled quite like this—a blend of pine and fresh water and something unique to Cedar Ridge. I let it fill my nostrils and swirl around, praying it would cleanse the nightmare images from my brain.
“Holt?”
My head jerked up at the familiar voice—older now, deeper, and a little raw with age.
I forced another of those fake-as-hell smiles. “Jude. Good to see you, man.”
He strode forward to take my hand in a hard grasp. “Thought I was looking at a ghost.”
Maybe he was. There were times I thought my life had ended the day I almost lost Wren. I moved through the world differently now and saw everything through an entirely new lens.
Motion behind Jude caught my attention as another of my high school friends stepped forward. Chris gave me a chin lift, but there wasn’t a whole lot of welcome in his dark gaze. “Holt.”
I didn’t blame him for that lack of warmth. When I’d bailed on Cedar Ridge, I’d bailed on everyone. It had felt like the only way to keep from drowning was to pretend that I was an entirely different person—without friends or family I talked to more than once a week.
Without her.
“Hey, Chris.”
I extended a hand, and he waited for a beat before accepting it.
“What are you doing in town?” Jude asked. His face looked the same, but he’d bulked up since high school, his shoulders broader. And he’d gained a good fifteen pounds of muscle.
“Wanted to spend some time with my dad and the rest of the family.” To try to mend some of the hurt I’d caused. Maybe find a new normal.
Chris shifted his lanky frame, begrudgingly turning his gaze to me. “How’s he doing?”
“Better. Just ornery.”
The corner of Jude’s mouth kicked up. “Not shocked about that. I’ve been meaning to stop by this week, but work’s been kicking my ass.”
“It gets worse every tourist season,” Chris muttered.
“What are you guys doing these days?” I hated that I had to ask the question. We’d been the three musketeers while growing up until Wren and I had gotten together, and my world’s axis had shifted. But even then, we remained close. It wasn’t until I’d left that things changed.
Jude grinned. “Went into business together. Mountainview Construction.”
“That’s great. Building houses?” I’d seen that company name on a build on my way into town, and it had looked amazing. Pride swelled inside me for my friends. Chris had always fought against pressure from his father to go into medicine, and Jude’s dad had been an asshole who’d told him he’d amount to nothing. The fact that they’d gone out on their own and built something was incredible.
Chris nodded. “Started with small cabins and grew from there.”
“He’s being modest, but I’ll brag. We’re building some of those behemoths for the tourists who fall in love with it up here.”
My lips twitched. “The ones who use their places for all of two weeks out of the year?”
“Those would be the ones,” Jude said, shaking his head.
We were quiet for a moment as if there was nothing else for us to talk about. That cut. I used to be able to shoot the shit with these guys about anything.
Chris swung his keys around a finger. “How long are you in town for?”
“Not sure yet. Trying to get the lay of the land with my family.”
“Gotta be hard to take time away from that fancy security gig you’ve got,” Jude said.
Apparently, even though I wasn’t up to date on town news, they were current on mine. “We’re making it work.”
Chris grunted.
Jude sent him a quelling look. “I’m sure your family appreciates it.”
I wasn’t quite so sure. I hadn’t been able to get a read on things when I’d dropped the bomb that I was coming home in the sibs’ text chain. Maybe they thought I wouldn’t follow through, or maybe they’d simply gotten used to life without me.
I glanced down at my watch. “I should head out. I’m supposed to be over there for an early family dinner. Let’s grab a beer while I’m in town.” Pulling out my wallet, I handed each of them a card.
Jude let out a low whistle. “Even his business cards are fancy. You feel this cardstock? Someone went and found himself the high life.”
Chris smirked. “Holt has always been fancy. You’re just losing your memory in your old age.”
Jude socked him with a half-force punch. “Watch who you’re calling old, grandpa.”
I’d missed this, the good-natured ribbing. Giving each other a hard time. I had it with the guys on my team, but they didn’t know me as well. Because the truth was, I hadn’t let a single soul in since that night ten years ago.
“Text me if you geezers want to grab a drink.”
“Will do,” Jude called as they walked on.
Chris simply gave me another chin lift.
It was better than nothing. A start.
I picked up to a jog, heading to my SUV in the lot on the side of the B&B, but I couldn’t help my gaze from traveling to the police station across the street. A few buildings down from the inn, it looked just how I remembered. Yet, somehow, it was entirely different. Likely because I knew it was where she went most days.
My eyes bored into the brick structure as if I could see through the walls by sheer force of will alone. Was she in there? I wondered if I would even recognize her if she walked down the street. I’d kept tabs on her. I didn’t have a right to, yet I did it anyway. But I’d stayed away from pictures.
I couldn’t handle seeing those hazel eyes. The way the flecks of green blazed like emeralds in the sun when she laughed. Or was mad. Or when I kissed her.
Chris gave me a shove as we headed down Main Street. “Screw off. That three-pointer would’ve been nothing but net if you hadn’t gotten in my way.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sure. You’re basically LeBron.”
Jude snorted. “He’s just waiting to get drafted straight out of high school.”
“You both suck,” Chris shot back.
“Hey, isn’t that Wren?” Jude asked.
Just her name had something deep inside me tightening. As I turned and caught sight of the form at the end of the dock, my steps faltered. It was something about the slope of her shoulders and how they curved inward as if she were hiding from the world.
Like that would work. Wren was the kind of stunning that had all the guys at school taking notice—just waiting until fall when she was a freshman.
I slapped Jude on the back. “I’m gonna go check on her. I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Seriously?” Chris complained.
Jude chuckled. “Guy’s got it bad. Let him shoot his shot.”
I ignored them and headed off in a jog. It didn’t take me long to reach her, but Wren didn’t look up, not even when I lowered myself onto the dock next to her.
The breeze picked up, blowing her light brown hair out of her face. That was when I saw it. The tracks tears had left behind on her cheeks.
Everything in me twisted as panic lanced through me. A million possibilities for her tears ran through my head, each one worse than the one before. “What happened, Cricket?”
She stared out at the lake. The sun had set, but there was still a glow in the air. “I love the twilight. Even after the sun’s gone, no one can forget that it was there.”
An ache took root in my chest. “Your parents?”
“They forgot my birthday’s tomorrow. They decided to leave on a trip. Asked your parents if I could stay with Grae for the week.”
God, I wanted to rip her parents a new one. They were always taking off on her. They’d ask her grandma to stay or send her to a friend’s house. The only thing they cared about was her getting straight As. They didn’t give a damn about anything else.
They didn’t see how amazing their daughter was. Didn’t see that she had an empathy which meant she saw things the rest of the world missed. Had a kindness that meant she welcomed everyone into her circle. And a loyalty that meant she’d always have your back.
I wrapped an arm around Wren’s shoulders, pulling her into my side. She felt right there. As if it was where she always belonged.
Wren burrowed her face in my chest. “I don’t want to care. It’s not like this is the first time. But I keep thinking that if I’m good enough, get my grades higher, join more clubs—something—that I’ll be worthy of their love.”
My hand cupped her cheek, lifting her face so I could stare into her eyes. My thumb swiped at the fresh tears that had started to spill. “You’re worthy, Cricket. Beyond worthy.”
Those hazel eyes sparked as Wren’s breath hitched.
“You’re the most amazing, kind, beautiful person I’ve ever known. If they can’t see that, then it’s their loss.”
Her gaze dropped to my mouth as if she were memorizing the words that fell from it.
Some invisible force pulled me in, closer than I’d ever dared. I stopped just shy of those bee-stung lips. But Wren closed the distance and made that final leap.
When she made contact, the flavor of her mint lip balm bursting on my tongue, I knew I’d never be the same.
My fingers closed around my keys, squeezing tightly as I ripped myself out of the memory. I didn’t need thoughts of those eyes dancing in my head or her taste on my tongue. They already haunted my nightmares. I didn’t need them taunting my days, too.
Beeping the locks, I climbed behind the wheel and continued out of town. The tightness in my chest eased a little. I wasn’t as much at risk now. A chance run-in was far less likely.
I knew from my check-ins that she lived in a small cabin on the opposite side of town. It was remote. No roommate. No live-in boyfriend, as far as I could tell. I hated the idea of her being out there. Cut off. And given how cell service worked here, I doubted she had any out there. I just prayed to God she had a landline.
My SUV hugged the curves of the mountain road, taking me higher. My dad had bought the property just out of college when the land was cheap. Then built a small cabin for Mom and him to live in. It still stood on the same land today, but when he’d started his outdoor gear company, and it had taken off, he’d built something bigger—something they could grow into—and they’d needed the space with five kids.
I turned off the main road onto a private drive marked only by a small street sign. My gut tightened as my SUV climbed and slowed in front of a gate. It fit with the property, made of rustic wood with Hartley burned into a crossbeam.
When I rolled down my window, my finger paused for the briefest moment before pressing the intercom.
My mom’s voice came across the line a second later, and the gate was already opening. “Holt, get up here! Didn’t you have the code?”
I didn’t because I’d never driven in before. When I came for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I took a chopper from Portland and landed on the helipad my dad had installed for emergencies—and those visits had been few and far between. “I guess not.”
“It’s ten twenty-four. Now you have it whenever you want to stop by.”
I groaned. “Mom. You can’t use your anniversary as a password.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s one of the first guesses someone would make.”
“You can give me your lecture once you get up here. I need to pull the chicken out of the oven.”
My throat tightened. How many times had I forced that meal down when all it did was make me want to choke? But I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mother that my favorite meal had been ruined. I could still smell the scent of chicken cooking as I searched the house, trying to find Wren.
I needed a session with a heavy bag, stat. Or, even better, a round with Gomez, the best mixed martial artist on our team. I needed someone to beat the hell out of me so the pain I felt wasn’t this.
Instead, I moved my foot from the brake to the accelerator and started for home. The paved drive wove between the tall pines, and I knew it must have cost a fortune when my dad had the asphalt laid. But when the snow came, it was a million times easier to plow when you weren’t fighting against gravel.
The trees thinned as I climbed, and the house came into view—a mountain lodge with a blend of glass and stone and wood, though the glass dominated. It was almost as if you could see through the whole house.
Dad had always said that he wanted to feel like he was living in the wild. That there was nothing between him and nature. Dark wood beams framed the glass in a way that made the structure feel like it was part of the forest. And the stone tied it to the ground beneath.
The home spread across the mountainside, an enclosed walkway joining the two halves. My mom had always called the farther part the kids’ side when we were growing up. We could run wild in an epic game of hide-and-seek, and she got her peace when she needed it.
The memories that battled for supremacy now were good ones: laughter and teasing, epic pranks and water gun fights, pizza feasts and monster movie marathons. But they left a trail of guilt in their wake—one that burned as it dug in deep.
I pulled my car to a stop in the circular driveway behind four other vehicles. I realized that I wasn’t sure which belonged to whom. The Fish and Wildlife logo on the side of a white SUV told me that it was Roan’s, but other than that, I had no clue.
Shutting off the engine, I climbed out and headed for the house. The front door opened, and I caught a blaze of movement. A second later, a petite body hit me with a force that was shocking for her size.
“You’re here!”
I grinned as I lifted Grae into the air. “Missed you, too, G. How are you feeling?”
She growled in my ear, ignoring the question but hugging me tighter. “I still can’t believe it. Have you decided how long you’re staying? Are you sure you want to be shacked up at the B&B? I bet Mom and Dad would let you stay in the cabin—”
“Let the man breathe,” Lawson said with a chuckle.
I set Grae down and moved to my eldest brother, pulling him in for a hard hug. “Damn good to see you, Law.”
He thumped me on the back. “Wasn’t sure your ugly mug was really gonna make it.”
His words stung, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t deserve. Lawson merely meant it as a gentle jibe. He didn’t know how deep the sentiment cut.
“Fam bam back together again,” Nash called, throwing himself around us and pulling Grae into the huddle.
She hit my back with an oomph. “Nash…”
Roan approached our group as Nash reached out for him. “Don’t even think about it.”
Nash gave an exaggerated pout. “Come on, grumpy cat.”
Roan scowled, keeping his distance.
Nash sighed. “Fine, ruin the family reunion.”
Roan lifted his chin in my direction. “Hey.”
That was him. No welcoming me back because he knew how hard it was for me to be here. More than once, I’d wondered why he hadn’t taken off, too. The night of the shooting had scarred him, as well—in some ways worse than the rest of us. Maybe he’d stayed to prove people wrong.
“Good to see you.”
Roan simply grunted. “Mom said dinner’s ready.” With that, he turned and headed back toward the house.
“As you can see, not a lot has changed,” Grae mumbled.
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask if Wren had changed. Did her laugh still have that husky edge? Did her nose crinkle when she smiled? I shoved that down and started for the front door. “Sometimes, things staying the same is a good thing.”
“Dad!” Drew called from the steps. “Luke’s hogging the Xbox.”
Lawson sighed. “I can tell you what has changed. Full-fledged teen angst.” He lifted his gaze to his middle son. “Not for long. Dinner’s ready. Say hello to your uncle so he doesn’t think I raised a bunch of heathens.”
Drew gave me a lopsided grin. “Hey, Uncle Holt. It’s sick you’re back.”
I glanced down at Grae. “Sick?”
Nash clapped me on the shoulder. “It means cool. You need to brush up on your lingo.”
A small boy dodged around Drew and rushed toward me. “Uncle Holt.”
I caught him on the fly, lifting him into the air. “Hey, Charlie. How’d you grow so much since I saw you last?”
Guilt dug in deeper. It had only been a few months, but Charlie and Drew seemed like they were each a head taller.
He grinned down at me, showing a gap where two front teeth should’ve been. “’Cause you’re never freaking here.”
Lawson groaned. “You know your grandma doesn’t like you saying freaking.”
“It’s not even a swear,” Drew muttered.
“Maybe not, but this is her house, so we play by her rules. Right?”
“We play by her rules because she makes cookies,” Charlie chimed in.
“Smart man,” I whispered, setting him down in the entryway.
“Luke,” Lawson called.
“What?” a voice snapped back—one deeper than I remembered.
Lawson pinched the bridge of his nose. “God save me from teenagers.”
“I’m not a teenager,” Charlie said helpfully.
“And I thank my lucky stars for that every single day.”
Drew rolled his eyes. “We’re not that bad.”
Lawson lifted his brows. “Paintballing the side of the house? Luke taking my car for a joyride when he doesn’t have a license? The yelling at decibels not fit for human ears?”
Drew gave his dad a sheepish smile. “We’re keeping you young.”
“You’re giving me gray hair.”
There was humor in Lawson’s voice, but there was also bone-deep fatigue. I had no idea how he kept up with it all, but maybe I could help lessen his load while I was here.
“Luke, get your butt out here. It’s time for dinner,” Lawson called.
There was nothing for a good minute, and then a teen I barely recognized emerged from the basement. Luke was only fifteen, but he looked older. His dark hair curled around his ears, and he had a scowl on his face that resembled Roan more than it did Lawson.
“Hey, Luke.”
He lifted his chin in my direction. “Hey.” Then, just as quickly, he dismissed me as he started toward the open-concept kitchen and living space.
Lawson’s mouth pressed into a hard line. “Sure you don’t want to stay with us? You could get the cold shoulder twenty-four-seven. It’s a dream.”
I chuckled. “I think there was a season we were all pretty surly with Mom and Dad. I’d say that’s normal.”
He grimaced. “I’m being punished for my misspent youth.”
Nash leaned in to whisper in Lawson’s ear. “But it was worth it.”
Lawson shook his head as we all started for the kitchen. “You haven’t gotten your payback yet. Just wait until you’re raising a handful of hell-raisers just like you.”
Nash’s head jerked. “Bite your tongue. I’m not going down that road anytime soon.”
Grae grinned. “I can’t wait until someone takes you down.”
“Me? Never. I’m way too practical.”
It wasn’t that. It was that Nash had only ever cared for one girl. And when he screwed that all to hell, he’d built and kept those walls sky-high.
“Holt!” Mom hurried from the kitchen and pulled me into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re home.”
“Thanks for making dinner.”
“Your favorite.”
I tried to hide my wince with another fake smile. “Thanks, Mom.”
She released me, and I started toward my dad, who sat on the couch, his leg propped up on an oversized ottoman. It was out of the cast, but he was clearly still nursing it. “Hey, Dad. How are you feeling?”
His lips pursed, the lines on his face deepening. “You didn’t have to come check on me. I told you I was fine.”
My brows rose. Ornery was right.
“Thought it was time I came for a visit that lasted longer than a few days.”
Dad’s eyes narrowed on me. “Why? That sure as hell never mattered to you before.”
My mom gasped. “Nathan.”
I held up a hand. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” Grae said, glaring at our father.
“She’s right,” Nash chimed in. “Not cool, old man.”
Dad swung his leg off the ottoman and stood, limping toward the dining table. “I’m just speaking the truth. I’m not going to run around preparing some feast for the prodigal son when I know he’ll probably take off tomorrow.”
Grae squeezed my arm. “He doesn’t mean it. He’s hurting and throwing himself a pity party.”
“He does mean it,” I said quietly. I just didn’t know how I’d let things get this bad.
