I tiptoe barefoot out onto the porch. His breathing is rhythmic and slow and the sight of him—blond hair ruffled from sleep, tattoos that look darker in the moonlight—has longing pulling at my heart, willing me to take notice, to finally admit to myself—life without him will never be as bright as it could be with him. If I can’t forgive him, then it’s all been for nothing. This whole journey, finding myself again, learning to forgive myself. It’s like it was all training me for this moment.
All training me for Dax Silver.
The sofa creaks as I perch on the end of it by his feet, and the movement makes him open his eyes. His find mine straight away, instantly brightening in undisguised hope.
For a few seconds, we just stare at each other.
He’s unshaven, dark blond scruff scattering over his defined jawline. And it suits him. Nothing doesn’t. He looks equally as good in a suit at work as he does in black sweats and mussed up hair and a few days’ worth of growth on his chin.
“Hi,” I breathe.
“Hi.” His brow creases as he rises to a sitting position, his eyes staying on my face.
“Did you sleep better?” My eyes drop to my blanket, laid out over his legs.
He follows my gaze. “A little. But it’s not the same as the real thing.”
“Nothing ever is,” I whisper.
I study his face. The warmth of his body burning next to mine makes me suck in a breath. But that only brings with it the scent of him. His scent. His warm skin, a subtle masculine fresh sweat. Strong, inviting, intense. The scent I first noticed that night he stormed down to the estate’s gates in the dark to let me in. It’s even on my tongue as I swallow, bringing with it a comfort low in my stomach. Because as much as there is passion and fire when we are together. There is also this.
Peace.
A peace in myself that has never been there before. A peace he created.
“Won’t they be missing you? At the estate?”
Dax takes the blanket off his legs and wraps it around my shoulders, which are bare in my camisole and shorts pajama set.
“Maybe. But they’re doing a great job. They don’t need me.”
“They might soon, though. You should go home.” I pull the blanket around me and drop my gaze away from him. Looking into his eyes is a glaring reminder of how we used to be. Of how deep we fell into each other. Because he is all over me. Inside and out. He always will be.
“It’s not home anymore if you aren’t there.” He shifts in the seat, causing his thigh to press up against mine. I don’t move. Instead, I stare at his leg in his dark sweatpants next to my bare skin. “There will never be anyone else.” He runs his fingers through his blond waves. “Never.”
He drops his hand to his thigh and turns his head to the side, his eyes following mine as I frown at his skin next to mine. He flexes his hand and the flowers and vines that run down his forearm and over his wrist move in the moonlight.
“You’re so perfect next to me, Rose. I love your skin. I hated that you wanted me to tattoo it at first. Like nothing should be allowed to taint it. But then I saw how much it meant to you. And I knew that if anyone was ever going to leave a permanent mark on it, then I wanted it to be me. It could only be me.”
“I made an appointment as soon as I came back to New York to get it covered.”
Dax sucks in a breath and turns his head away from me. “Jesus.” His shoulders drop as he runs a hand around his jaw and screws his eyes shut as his voice splinters. “Fuck.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur.
He shakes his head but still can’t look at me. “You have nothing to say sorry for. It’s all me. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m the one who doesn’t fucking deserve you. I never have.”
Guilt weaves its way through my veins at the devastation on his face as he fights to take in a ragged breath. Just the thought of me doing it is crushing him like he can’t breathe.
He turns back to me, his eyes dark and shining. “What did you get?”
I shrug the blanket off my shoulder and twist so he can see.
He drops his head with a low exhale, his entire chest sagging in relief. Then he grabs my thigh as if on instinct. The feel of his fingers digging into my skin sends electricity racing through me.
“I couldn’t do it,” I whisper, covering my cloud tattoo with the blanket again.
“Thank you.” His voice is thick, heavy. “I would have understood if you had… but I’m so glad you didn’t.”
“You’re the only one who I’d ever trust to do it.”
He squeezes my thigh, and then pulls his hand away like he’s realized what he’s doing. “It feels so wrong being close to you and not touching you. I think about touching you all the time. I remember everything about the way you felt in my arms. The way you tasted. I remember everything.”
“So do I,” I whisper.
“I’d do anything to have it all back.”
“I believe you.”
Dax once told me he always sees things through, once he’s committed. And now I understand; he will sleep on this porch for as many nights as it takes until I talk to him again. Really talk.
I reach over and take his hand, threading my fingers through his. The contact sends a vibration running up my arm, and Dax’s breathing stalls as he stares at our entwined skin.
The marble in my throat shifts suddenly, dropping into my stomach.
And it’s like a dam has been blown apart.
“Don’t think this means it’s all good.” My voice cracks as I begin to tremble, until I’m shaking so much I struggle to speak. “D-don’t t-think that this means—”
Dax pulls me to him, and his lips find my forehead as I sink into him, fighting to breathe past the giant sob building in my chest.
“Don’t think…” My breath leaves me as I choke out a strangled sound. “Don’t—’
He shushes me with such tenderness that I screw my eyes shut, my chest burning. “I’ve got you, Sunbeam.”
I sob out loud. Sunbeam.
The first drop of hot, salty liquid rolls over my skin, the sensation so foreign to me that I forget to breathe as another joins it.
Then another.
And another.
“Dax.” I hiccup as I try to breathe.
He kisses my forehead. “I’ve got you. And I always will, Rose. Whenever you need me, I will be here. Even if you can’t stand to look at me. Even if you can’t ever forgive me. Know that I will be here for you without question. Anywhere. Any reason. Any time. Okay?”
I bury my face into his neck as hot tears rush from my eyes.
They keep coming. Harder and faster. Until I’m sniffing and shuddering with the force of them taking over my body.
More than three years’ worth of tears.
All flowing out over the beautiful bird tattoo I love so much.
Dax crushes his lips to my forehead again, then he cups my face in his hands and wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs as he looks into my eyes.
Dark brown meets light blue.
“I know all these tears aren’t for me. But some are.” Lines appear at the corners of his eyes. “I don’t deserve them, Rose,” he whispers. “I’m not worth your tears.”
He brushes more away, but they fall faster, running over his hands until they’re wet too.
“You’ve got them though.”
His eyes pinch, glassy with his own unshed tears as he strokes my face.
“I love you.”
I suck in a breath, looking through my tears as I blink at him.
“I promised you infinity, Rose. And I meant it. Even if you never forgive me, I will never stop. Months, years, decades… I will love you through them all. Because time itself will run out before my love for you ever will.”
I open my mouth to speak. But the words in my heart aren’t the ones that come out.
“Come with me. I want to show you something.”
The walk to the top of the hill takes us an hour with only a flashlight for guidance. And by the time we reach the top, the first light of a new day is beginning to color the sky.
“Dad used to bring us here as kids. It’s where he told us that our troubles would seem smaller from up high,” I say, pulling Dax’s hoodie around me as I turn, and he comes to stand behind me, looking out over the horizon.
“It’s quite something.”
“Yeah,” I agree as orange bursts up behind the distant hills like the flames of a bonfire, signaling a new day, burning away the past.
I turn to Dax and look up at his face. “Sunrise number ninety-three.”
His expression is tense as he looks at me. “Yeah.”
I take a deep breath, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth. My heart flutters from the way he looks at me. No one else stands a chance.
Even if they were given infinity to try, they would never be Dax.
It’s all I thought about as we walked here. How it will only ever be him for the rest of time.
And infinity is a long time not to forgive someone.
Especially someone who you love.
Especially someone who the thought of living without makes you feel like you might physically retch. Like you’d cease to have any kind of meaningful existence if they weren’t a part of it.
“I love you too.” I blink, new tears threatening to form in my eyes. It’s like the gates have well and truly opened for them now. “I promised you every sunrise. And you’re getting number ninety-three, because I love you too. And I’m still mad at you for lying to me. But I understand why you did it. And I’ll probably go wild and smash something up if you ever lie to me again.” Dax places his hands on my hips and pulls me toward him, his eyes glittering. “But I love you too. Time with you did something to me. Because I’m not the same now. You changed me.”
His eyes caress my face as he matches my smile with his own soft one. “I didn’t do anything besides falling for a girl with virgin skin and a smart, fiery mouth.”
“You did so much more than that and you know it.” I place my palms on his chest, splaying my fingers out over his heart through his t-shirt.
His grip on my hips tightens, and he pulls me against him. He pauses for the briefest moment as if seeking permission. And I lean closer, giving it without words. Then his hands are on my face and in my hair and curling around my neck as he kisses me with a force that has my knees buckling.
And I kiss him back with everything I have.
I kiss away ninety-two days of separation. Ninety-two days of pain. A ceiling full of popped balloons and lost sunrises.
And as I kiss him, I welcome every day with him I will get from now on. Each one that I will cling on to with both hands and be grateful for.
Dax holds me as I grab fistfuls of his hair, parting my lips and welcoming his tongue inside my mouth, his teeth against my lips and his groans into my body, as he kisses every bit of air from me until I’m gasping against his lips.
“I love you, Sunbeam. I love you so fucking much.” He trails hot kisses up my jawline, allowing me to catch my breath, as his mouth reaches my ear, and he whispers, “Let me show you. Please, Rose. I’ve been dying more each day without you. I need you.”
My agreement is an incoherent nod as desire thrums through me from the sensation of having his hands and lips on me again.
“Words, Rose,” Dax murmurs against my neck. “Please say it.”
“Y-yes. I—” I moan as he sucks on my neck at the same time as he slides a hand up underneath my camisole and circles my nipple with his thumb.
“It’s not enough,” he groans into my neck, pressing his groin against my hip so I can feel just how badly he’s missed me. “I need you to say all of it.” His voice is heavy, laced with pain and regret. Desperate.
He needs me.
A soft moan leaves my lips as he pulls me closer, until his erection digs into my stomach.
“I… I need you. I want to feel you back where you belong… Inside me.”
“Fuck,” he chokes out, emotion clogging up his throat as he caresses my hard nipple gently between his fingers.
“I don’t want to think about the last ninety-two days without you. Make me forget we were ever apart. Make me remember how good we are together.”
The ground underneath my feet disappears as Dax lifts me into his arms, encouraging me to wrap my legs around his waist as he lowers us down onto the blanket we brought.
“I’ve missed you so damn much. I’m fighting the demon on my shoulder that wants me to fuck you until you see stars,” Dax utters as his hot body hovers over mine.
He kisses me again, his breath stalling.
“Dax…”
I arch my back so he can pull my hoodie and camisole off in-between desperate kisses.
“Do it. Make me see a whole shower of stars,” I plead as he drags my shorts and panties off.
A deep line puckers the skin between his brows as he balls the soaked cotton of my panties in his fist and lifts them to his nose. His eyes hold mine as he inhales deeply.
“Jesus…” He closes his eyes and inhales again before placing them down. “I’ve missed every fucking thing about you.”
I pant, completely naked beneath him. His eyes roam over my body. He sucks in a breath, a muscle twitching in his jaw as he continues his assessment of me.
“Dax, touch me, please.” I reach for him, but he pulls back, and there’s a look I can’t place in his eyes.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Rose. It’s been months and…” His fingers dig into his sweatpants on his thighs until his knuckles turn white. “And fuck, I’m scared I’m going to lose control. You deserve me to be gentle. I want to be gentle. I should be gentle.”
I reach up to stroke his cheeks with my fingertips. “I want you to be you. I know you can be gentle. You don’t have to be anything in this moment other than what feels right.”
His eyes are dark and wild.
I whisper, “I trust you.”
A deep growl leaves him as he smashes his mouth to mine, biting my lips and sucking my tongue. He pulls back for mere seconds, long enough to rip his t-shirt up over his head and yank his sweatpants off. Then he crushes his hard body against mine, one hand finding mine and entwining our fingers together tightly, the other cupping my neck and seeking out my thundering pulse with the pad of his thumb.
I take a deep breath as he caresses the beating vein softly, his eyelids hooded with lust.
“I need to feel you, taste you, be surrounded by you. I’ve thought about you, pictured your face, obsessed over the scent of your skin for every moment we’ve been apart. All I’ve been able to think about is how much I love you. How much I miss you. How much I need you to fucking survive.”
“Show me.”
I widen my legs, desperate to lift my hips so Dax can sink inside me. But he moves back, far enough for me to gaze into his eyes. The haunted depths of them makes my breath stall.
He croaks hoarsely, “My life would be darkness without you, Rose.”
“Stop,” I breathe, my heart breaking as I see how deeply this is affecting him. “I’m here now. We’re here now.”
He kisses the inside of my wrist as I blink back the threat of tears. It isn’t only him who needs me. I need him too.
“We are,” he whispers. “We are, Sunbeam.”
I pull him into me, kissing him in between fevered gasps as we press ourselves together, re-connecting, too scared to let the other go. I fuse our hot skin together as we try our hardest to climb inside each other and erase all the pain. Dax lets out a low hiss as the metal of his piercing grazes my entrance, and a shiver runs through me.
“Please,” I whimper, pulling him closer.
“You’re always so wet for me,” he groans, pushing an inch inside me and then stopping.
I moan and wriggle, willing him to sink more of himself inside me. To fill me and make me stretch around him.
His hand tightens around mine, and he pauses, his eyes holding mine. “You like that, Sunbeam? You missed this cock?” His eyes pinch as if he’s still fighting to push the pain away.
I capture his lips in another kiss, and he pushes another inch inside me, then retreats. I writhe beneath him with a muffled sob.
“Say it.” His voice has a tremor like he’s barely holding himself together. “Say it.”
“Yes! I want it. I want you. I love you. You’ve got me, I promise.”
The relief in his eyes grips me by the neck and steals the air straight from my body. He really has been broken by these months apart.
Scarred.
“Please, Dax,” I urge. “We need this.”
He groans and thrusts in deep, his pupils blowing wide. Both of us catch our breath with parted lips and stare at one another.
“I love you.” He dips his lips to my shoulder and kisses the top of my tattoo.
“I love you too,” I whisper as he starts to move, never taking his eyes off mine as he pushes deeper and deeper inside me.
A deep moan of appreciation leaves my lips, and Dax groans while kissing me again, his balls pressed against my body as I hug every inch of him inside me.
Ninety-two days, but my body remembers him like it was mere hours ago that he was last inside me.
“Hold on,” he whispers, nipping my lower lip with his teeth. Then he slides one of my knees higher up the blanket and begins thrusting into me with all the energy of a man who’s been waiting his whole life for this moment, not three months.
With each thrust, the haunted look in his eyes clears more, like the morning mist being burned away by the rising sun. Until all I see is love shining back at me as he claims my lips again.
I cry out as he drives into me with a relentless rhythm, his piercing sliding over my G-spot with each drive of his hips. His body hits my clit each time he’s buried deep, sending shockwaves vibrating through my body.
“Dax.” I shudder beneath him.
“Do it, Rose. I can feel you squeezing me tighter. Do it.”
He kisses me as I gasp out his name and come around him with a wet rush, my vision blurring so much I screw my eyes shut.
“Fuck,” he hisses, canting his hips so I’m forced down against the ground even harder. The increased pressure on my clit and the angle he’s driving inside me at makes my orgasm roll into another one that steals my breath until I can’t control a single muscle in my body anymore.
I hand them all over to Dax.
It takes all of my energy to drag air into my lungs as he drives into me, whispering into my ear, “Good girl, you know just how to milk my cock. I’m going to fucking explode.”
“Yes,” I pant as he strokes my pulse with his thumb again, his other hand still entwined with mine. I’m gripping his so hard I worry he’ll have nail marks in his skin.
“Give me one more first. I need one more.”
“I ca-can’t…”
“Yes. You. Can.” Dax strokes my pulse as he encourages me softly in my ear, his body connecting with mine with each deep push. “Yes. You can, Sunbeam.”
Light flashes in my eyes as the sun pushes up over the horizon, and I squeeze them shut, the backs of my eyelids filled with bright orange spots as one final burst of pleasure rips through me, and I come.
He kisses the garbled moan from my lips, and he trembles as he comes with me, pouring himself into me.
“I love you. I love you. Fuck, I love you,” he chants as he thrusts inside me, filling every tiny part of me with him. I swear that with the force he’s just come with, he must have tattooed his name inside me with his cum.
“Dax.”
“I love you.” His lips connect with my tattoo again, and he kisses the skin there as the final waves of pleasure leave his body, and he halts his movements inside me, burying his face into the crook of my neck. “I don’t deserve you. But I will love you with every breath I ever take. I promise you that.”
“I know,” I whisper as his lips travel up my neck and back to my lips. “Because you promised me infinity, Dax Silver. And I intend to make you good on your promise.”
He chuckles and kisses me while the sun continues to rise around us. “You promised me every sunrise.”
“What do you think this is?” I breathe, still catching my breath as calmness paints itself through my body as the sky lights up.
Dax kisses me again, then turns his face to the horizon. “Do I get tomorrows?”
His brows pull low over his eyes as he looks back at me.
The view might be breathtaking. But it’s not a patch on the beautiful man holding me in his arms and looking at me like I’m the most precious thing in his world.
Not a damn patch.
“You get them all.” I lift a hand to his face, and he kisses my inner wrist. “Every single one. They could only ever be yours. Do you remember me telling you love was a chemical?”
“Dopamine?” He cocks a brow, a smile pulling up his lips.
“I was wrong. It’s you.”
He stays inside me and places both elbows on either side of my head so he can stroke my face with both hands.
“It’s you for me too. It always was.”
His eyes shine as he rises onto his arms, moving back enough for me to see his chest. And I stare at his compass tattoo. Because where there used to be one arm pointing west for the sunset, a memory of his parents, now there is another.
I trace my fingertip over his hot skin. Over the new dark ink on it, and all the way to the end of the rose stem where the petals bloom around the E for east.
“When?”
His heart beats out a steady rhythm beneath my palm as I lay it over his chest.
“The day you left. I couldn’t go a day without having you close.”
I roll my lips, my chest burning with emotion as my eyes threaten to make more tears.
“I think I’d like it really slow and gentle now,” I whisper.
Dax’s eyes soften as he kisses me. “Anything you want, Sunbeam.”
Then he wraps his arms around me and makes love to me, wiping the tears from my cheeks and gripping me tight as I come for him again and again.
Until I lose all sense of time.
