JOEY
“HOW AM I supposed to do this, John? How am I supposed to arrange my mother’s funeral?”
“You’re not on your own here, Darren. We’ll support you in every way we can.”
People were talking around me.
“It will be some time before they release the bodies.”
Making plans.
“I presume they’ll release his body to your family, too.”
Making decisions.
“She’s not being buried with him.”
I couldn’t take in a word of it.
“The Gards will take another round of statements, but it’s safe to say it’s looking like arson.”
Slumped against the dining table of a room I’d never been inside, I rested my cheek against the solid oak, and held the back of my head with my hands.
“Of course it’s arson, the bastard burned her alive! It’s a murder-suicide.”
Her hand.
“He tried to take the kids out with him.”
Why the fuck could I not get the image of her hand dangling out of that body bag out of my head?
“The doctor is on the way again. He’ll look after them both.”
That’s your mother, asshole.
She’s cold on a slab now.
Because you couldn’t stay.
“Jesus Christ, Nanny keeps calling. I can’t deal with her right now.”
Trembling violently, I focused on the sound of my heart hammering violently against my ribcage.
“Here. Give me the phone. I’ll talk to her, love.”
On the way my body wouldn’t stop shaking.
“Alex. I need to get in contact with Alex. He’s in Belfast. He doesn’t know…”
As the memory of my brothers wailing continued to haunt me.
“I’ll do all of that for you.”
Her hand.
“And Mam’s sister Alice in Beara.”
Was it the one with her wedding ring?
Fuck, it was.
I’m sorry, Mam.
I’m so fucking sorry, Mam.
“Joey, love, how do you feel about this?”
It was her left hand.
Was she wearing it?
“Is this something you’d be interested in trying?”
I couldn’t remember seeing it.
Fuck, she always wore that thing.
“He needs to go. He’ll die if he doesn’t get treatment and I can’t lose another member of my family.”
Where did her ring go?
Did it melt into her skin?
“Joey love, can you hear us?”
I wasn’t entirely sure why she or any of the others were asking me questions.
I didn’t have words left in my head to answer them.
“Joey, sweetheart. Do you have your phone? I can call your girlfriend for you.”
“No,” I mumbled, body stiffening, as her face broke through the darkness. The only face I’d been able to see since I was twelve.
Blonde hair.
Green eyes.
Smiling.
Loving.
Warmth.
Light.
That face.
Her face.
Queen.
“No.” I managed to strangle out the words, as my heart gunned in my chest. “I don’t want her to…see me like this.”
“Joey love, I’m sure Aoife is very worried.”
“No, Edel. I don’t want her coming anywhere near him.”
So, do you have a name, boy-who-can-think-for-himself?
“Darren love, that’s not your call to make. It’s your brother’s.”
You’re my favorite friend, with my favorite everything.
“Yeah, well, my brother’s not well. He doesn’t need more pressure on his shoulders. Can’t you see he’s already reached his breaking point?”
If I had a packet of Rolos right now, I’d give you my last one.
“What do you think bringing his pregnant girlfriend over will do to him? He needs to focus on himself right now. He can’t do that with her in his face.”
Don’t worry, Peter Pan. I’ll be your Wendy.
“You can’t shut her out, love. She’s having his baby.”
It’s okay. Just concentrate on us.
“Listen, I’m just trying to keep my brother alive here. If that makes me the bad guy, then so be it. I’ll take that title and all the shit that comes with it on the chin for him. Because he can’t do this, Edel. He can’t take another person sucking the life out of him.”
I love you, Joey Lynch.
“Have you ever considered that she might be the one pouring life into him?”
Ride or die, Joe.
“I know what I’m talking about. He can’t cope with her right now. He just watched our mother’s body being dragged from our childhood home! He needs to be in rehab, not playing house with a teenage girl!”
“Darren love, I know your heart is in the right place, but I have to tell you that I think you’re going about this all wrong. Keeping them apart will only backfire on you in the long run.”
“I don’t care! He’s going to rehab, he’s agreed to go, and I’m not going to stand by and allow her to put notions in his head and make him change his mind.”
“This is going to backfire on you.”
“I don’t care. Joe? It’s me, Dar. Can you hear me? I need you to sign these forms for me, okay? I can’t do it for you, buddy. You’re over eighteen. You’ll have to sign yourself in.”
Whoever was sitting to my left reached over and wrapped their arm around my shoulder, and that’s when knew I was broken.
Because I didn’t flinch.
Because it didn’t hurt.
Because I didn’t care.
“Give me a pen,” I managed to say, using every ounce of strength I had left inside of me to lift my head off the table. “I’ll sign.”
“Thank Jesus.”
“You’re doing the right thing, son.”
“Promise me something,” I mumbled.
“Anything, Joey love.”
“I’m so proud of you, Joe.”
Scrawling my name across the page, I released the pen and dropped my head in my hands, feeling like I didn’t have an ounce of life left inside of me. “Promise me you’ll keep her safe from me.”
“Who, Joey love?”
“Molloy.”
