AOIFE
I’D BEEN HOME for three hours and I couldn’t stop crying.
In floods of tears, I sat cross-legged on my bed, and stared down at the tiny human screaming his lungs out.
I couldn’t do this.
I was stupid to even think that I was capable.
“Shh, shh, shh,” I choked out through fits of tears, as I tried to rub his tiny belly and held the soother to his lips, praying for him to just stop crying.
“Aoife, love?” Mam hovered in the bedroom door, eyes laced with a mixture of sympathy and concern. “Would you like me to take AJ for an hour?”
“No,” I choked out through fits of tears, as I sat cross-legged on my childhood bed, and stared down at the tiny human I was now responsible for. “I need to learn how to do this.”
“Would you like me to call Joey?” she asked, still lingering. “See if he could come over a little sooner.”
“He’s at school, Mam!” I cried out, throwing my hands up. “He can’t come any sooner. He has to stay until four!”
“Yes,” she replied slowly. “I understand he’s at school, but if he knew you were struggling like this, he would —”
“I’m not struggling,” I choked out, burying my face in the crook of my arm as another wave of hysteria washed through me. “I’m just scared.”
“Oh love.” Closing the space between us, Mam sat at the edge of my bed and lifted AJ into her arms. “What are you scared of?”
“Being alone,” I sobbed, beyond inconsolable now. “Having to do this without him.”
“Aoife, pet, Joey’s home,” she tried to coax, as she rocked my son in her arms. “He’s not going anywhere.”
But he could.
He could relapse.
He could leave me.
Again.
“I’m still scared,” I cried, wincing when I moved too quickly and caused a burning pain to shoot up through me. “He’s over there and I’m here and I’m just…” I choked out a shuddering breath and reached for my son. “I’m just really scared, Mam.”
“You know, it’s completely normal to feel all over the place in the early days after giving birth.” Mam wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I cradled AJ to my chest. “Your hormones are in disarray and your entire system is going through a reboot, so to speak.”
“I’m just scared,” I repeated, unable to repress the shivers racking through me. “I’m just…” Shaking my head, I leaned in close and pressed a kiss to AJ’s head. “I’m scared.”
“Of course you’re scared,” she soothed. “You’ve been through hell this year, and you’re still only eighteen, sweetheart. It’s okay to feel uncertain. It’s very normal. I remember when I first brought you and Kev home. I cried for a solid three months.”
“You did?”
“Absolutely,” she replied, tightening her hold on me. “I was so out of my depth, and your father was working all the hours God gave him to put food on the table. Back in those early days, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. But it gets better, love. It gets easier. I promise.”
