Bastien
(I actually think this chapter should be 111, so that it happens before the Drake and Sophie scenes-if not, it can be presented as a memory)
“Much more of this, and I’m going to regret coming back at all!”
I can’t stop hearing Selene say those awful words over and over in my head. They circle round and round, tormenting me every time my mind drifts from my work.
We haven’t spoken since that phone call. When I got back to the apartment last night Selene was already asleep, and this morning she took Lila to the park before I was even awake. It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk to me, and if our situation were any less dire I wouldn’t permit such avoidance, but the investigation is keeping me busy day and night.
Luckily the eclipse festival will force us into the same room tonight, and I won’t let us go to bed angry again. We’ll talk all this out and keep at it until things are resolved, we can’t go back to bottling up our feelings… and I can’t fail Selene again. I won’t.
The only blessing we’ve had since returning is Selene’s good press, and even my own has improved greatly since those first tense days back. Still, nothing is simple. I’m putting out fires left and right, and the more dead ends I reach searching for our enemies, the more stressed I become.
I can only pray that nothing goes wrong at the festival tonight- whether in my marriage, or the pack.
——————————
Selene
“Careful sweetheart.” I caution Lila, “the oven is very hot.”
We’re in the kitchen baking cookies, and in all her excitement to see the gooey chocolate confections come out of the oven, my pup is hovering right behind me as I extract the tray.
“How soon we eat dem?” She asks hopefully.
“They have to cool first.” I remind her, “but it won’t be too long.”
“One mint?” She chirps.
“More like fifteen minutes,” I correct.
“Mommy dat’s forever!” She exclaims.
“Better forever than a burnt tongue, my love.” I laugh.
As I get started on the dishes, Lila sets up camp in front of the cooling rack, hungrily watching the cookies as if she’s worried one might jump off and roll away. In fact she’s so intent, I’m surprised to hear her small voice after only a few moments. “Mommy?”
“Hmm?” I hum in reply, already preparing to tell her ‘not yet’.
However, Lila does ask me if the cookies are cool yet. Instead she inquires, “Are you ‘n’ Daddy fighting?”
Shit. I think. “We’re not fighting, angel.” I qualify, “just disagreeing. Sometimes grown ups disagree with each other and it can sound or feel like fighting, but it’s not anything for you to worry about.”
“Well I don’ like it.” She announces.
Huffing a silent chuckle, I reply. “I don’t like it either.”
“Then why you do it?” Lila questions, sounding as if she thinks I’m very irrational.
“Because disagreeing is natural and even healthy. It’s how you learn new things and grow.” I explain, choosing my words very carefully. “Besides it’s important to share what you’re feeling with the people you love, even when those feelings aren’t good. Otherwise, you can never fix it.”
The irony of my advice doesn’t escape me. I avoided Bastien last night and this morning, more out of guilt for lashing out at him than anything else.
“Why can’ you fix it?” My daughter presses. I’m beginning to think children this age aren’t capable of hearing anything without asking ‘why.’
“Because when we keep unhappy feelings locked up inside of us, then they stay there and get bigger and bigger.” I say slowly, sensing my own unhappy feelings growing even as I speak. “You have to let them out. You just have to be very careful how you do it, how you express them.”
“Like when I tell Daddy I no like him?” She chirps.
“That’s right.” I confirm. Or when foolish mommies tell their mates they regret reconciling with them.
“So you ‘n’ Daddy make up?” My pup continues.
“Not yet, Lila bean.” I confess. “Sometimes you have to take a little bit of time or space to calm down or figure out what you’re feeling – so you don’t say things you don’t mean.” Or when you’re a big scaredy-cat who can’t face the bad things you already said. “Like when you’re very upset and I have you lie down in your room until you’re ready to talk.”
“So how long it take?” Lila wants to know.
“For me and Daddy?” I clarify.
“Yes.” She peeps.
“Hopefully not much longer.” I answer truthfully. I’m not sure why I’m feeling so moody, but I really don’t want to fight with Bastien. I just have to find the courage to face what I said, and hope my husband will forgive me.
———————-
Bastien
My mother brings Lila down to my study just before seven to say goodnight, as we all decided she was too young to stay up for the festival. My pup toddles in, her adorable little face unusually serious as she crosses the room.
When I pull her into my lap, she snuggles in deep – the exact way Selene always does. Sometimes they’re so alike my heart aches. “There’s my sweet pup, how was your day Lila bean?”
She looks up at me with the same sober expression, “Daddy, I don’ wan’ you ‘n’ Mommy to disgree nymore.”
Her words catch me off guard. Selene warned me how pups pick up on everything, but I wasn’t prepared for her to be so tuned in when she hasn’t even seen us together. “I don’t want us to either.” I respond simply.
Lila throws her arms up in exasperation. “So make up!”
“It’s not that simple, little one.” I sigh, kissing her hair.
“Yes ‘tis.” Lila insists, “just say sowwy.”
I start to chuckle softly, wishing everything truly was as black and white as they seem in children’s minds. However, when Lila hears the rolling rumble in my chest, she frowns. “Is not funny, Daddy.”
“I know, sweetheart, I’m sorry.” Hugging her close, I promise, “I’ll talk to Mommy tonight. You have my word.”
“Good.” She nods firmly, scrambling down from my lap now that the mission is accomplished.
“Hey!” I call after her, “I don’t get a goodnight kiss?”
Lila turns back with a radiant smile and giggle, running back over to me and throwing her arms around my neck, “goodnight Daddy!”
Squeezing her tight, I reply. “Goodnight Lila. I love you.”
—————————
When Selene appears, I’m standing in front of the wide, floor to ceiling mirror in my closet, decked out in a black suit and wrangling my cuff links into my sleeves. She leans in the doorway, looking so stunning my heart skips a beat.
She’s wearing a long black dress embroidered with gold, silver and bronze threads, making it appear as if she’s wrapped in the night sky itself. It flows around her like a cascading shadow, complimented by her smokey eyes and onyx jewelry.
I only wish she looked as happy as she is lovely, instead her beautiful features are positively forlorn. Turning to face her directly, I fall into the bottomless pools of her eyes and Axel sits up in concern. I don’t care what we have to say, as long as it takes that look of her face.
Before I can open my mouth to do as my wolf suggests, Selene beats me to the punch. “I didn’t mean it.” She murmurs sorrowfully.
Her words lift some of the weight from my heart, but far too much remains as her guilt pulses through our bond. “Baby-“
“I don’t know why I said it.” She interrupts. “I feel terrible. Two weeks ago I was scolding Lila for taking her anger out on others and I just did the same thing to you.”
“Come here, little wolf.” I order, opening my arms to my poor mate.
She doesn’t listen. “I don’t know why I said it.” Selene repeats, “I just feel so out of sorts. Everything is such a mess.” Tears well in her eyes as she emphatically shakes her head.
Striding over to her, I don’t stop until our bodies are mere centimeters apart. “Selene, look at me.” I instruct, taking her chin when she still does not obey.
“I’m sorry too,” I profess, brushing away an escaped tear, “you were right. And I never want to make you feel that way – not ever.”
“But I don’t!” She insists, “ I don’t regret coming back. I’m so much happier than I’ve been the last few years – even with all the disasters.”
“I am too.” I share, leaning down to kiss her. She dodged my lips, and Axel growls from somewhere inside me.
“I’m not just sorry for saying those things.” Selene says, ignoring my wolf’s warning. “I’m sorry I avoided you, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. I’ve been acting like a child.”
“Listen to me right now, mate.” I command, “you’ve got to stop beating yourself up for this. I know you’re sorry, I know how overwhelmed you must be feeling and I understand.”
“I feel like I haven’t done anything but hurt you since you found me.” She whispers.
“Well that’s where you’re wrong.” I correct her, “it hasn’t been easy, but I’ve done my fair share of hurting too.”
“But-“
“You’ve given me so much more good than I ever dreamed.” I interrupt. “And even if you hadn’t, I’d rather spend every day being hurt by you than live without you.”
Selene hiccups a laugh, “that’s really twisted. But I know what you mean.”
“Can we kiss and make up now?” I ask with a grin.
Selene slides her arms around my middle and presses herself flush against me, “just kiss?”
“For now,” I concede, claiming her lips. “But later? Later you’re all mine.”
