The day Sunset Harkless left his life behind, he looked up and watched the HMCs float into their compartment in the Anchor.
BlackOut initiated, the Anchor said. And A-Hamm cheered. It had been their tradition to enjoy the BlackOuts, to tell stories around the fire with a different vigor. To try to remind one another of who they were. And that’s what they did that night. They sat around the fire for a long time; it was almost certainly the last BlackOut Night of Sunset’s career as a Link and they knew he’d leave them with some kind of speech. Sunset Harkless was a talker. He always had been.
“It’s getting late now,” he said finally. Sunset smiled with his teeth. The shots of gray in his thick sideburns shined against his brown skin. He wore no bolt leather, only a shirt and a brown leather vest, and the cargo pants he called his everything pants because of all the pockets. All the Angola-Hammond Links were gathered around him.
“It’s about my time,” Gunny Puddles said, and began to get up.
“Hold on a second, sit tight,” Harkless said. And Gunny did.
The night was fresh with dark and the glow of the fire and being unwatched.
“Y’all know I’m getting ready for what’s next.”
“High Freed,” Thurwar said loudly.
“High Freed,” the Chain echoed.
“Freed at last,” Sunset laughed. “I been here a long time. I’m remembering now the first time I met my good friend over here, who happens to be the baddest motherfucker ever to carry a hammer. Including Miss Bishop, in my opinion.” Thurwar looked straight at Sunset and nodded appreciation.
“Some of y’all ain’t ever seen a merger, but I’ll tell you, back in my day it was not some easy thing.”
Staxxx saw Thurwar’s eyes hold their lock, watched Thurwar’s grin flatten. Sunset held his sword in his hands, appreciated the blade, let the light of the fire bounce off it, then stabbed it into the dirt beneath him.
“We came here—me, thee Hurricane, Randy—to a Chain that already had an order. Even a few Peanuts can disrupt an order like that, but a group like us, shit. I was almost Reaper myself then. It was meant to be an explosion and it was. ’Cause it wasn’t just me and Randy and the Hurricane. You remember there was also Joey Daze.”
The Chain settled into a deeper quiet. Sunset smiled but did not laugh.
“Joey Daze was a Rookie if you ever saw one. More green than my young boul right here.” Sunset pointed at Rico, who sat up straighter at having been acknowledged. “Skinnier too. Y’all remember Joey Daze? You know Micky ain’t give him that name. I gave him that name. ’Cause he had that look over his face. Confused to still be alive, confused all the time. Joey Daze—y’all remember him?”
The Links were quiet. Staxxx watched Thurwar. Thurwar’s eyes were on the ground.
“Y’all remember him? I know y’all ain’t forget him.”
“I remember,” Randy Mac said.
“Good,” Sunset said. “He came over with us. A Rook for sure and damn dumb look on his face almost all the time. That was Daze. Y’all know I’m a talker, so I knew him a little bit. Found out his parents in Undrowned Lanier, a Southern boy. He had an accent on some of his words, but I think he tried to tuck that part of him away. Thought he sounded tougher without it. Anyways Joey Daze was another one who was there on the merger. Do any of you remember what happened to him? Not all of you was there, but I’m asking if you remember.”
The fire danced. No one said anything, but Staxxx remembered.
Sunset laughed up into the air. “Nobody can remember, huh? He had a flat, confused-looking face.”
The Links were still waiting.
“Joey Daze, Joey Daze, y’all don’t re—”
“I killed him,” Thurwar said. Staxxx watched Thurwar pick her head up. “I killed him.”
Sunset jumped up. His sword was pierced into the earth at his feet. “You did. You did. You did. Do you remember why?”
Thurwar looked up at Sunset, her eyes glistening with hurt. Hass Omaha was pressed into the ground beside her. Angola-Hammond for so long had depended on these two forces, Thurwar and Sunset, existing in an easy friendship. A calm back-and-forth.
“Do you remember why, Loretta?”
“I wanted—” Thurwar began. Staxxx touched her knee, but Thurwar removed her hand as if to say, This I will do on my own. “I killed him because, four.”
“Because four,” Sunset laughed, and Rico Muerte and Gunny followed weakly. Ice and Sai and Randy and the rest were silent. “What is four?”
“Because four was too much,” Thurwar said, her voice loud though wavering. “When you came I thought four people was too much. So I said I’ll take three.”
“You did. And what did I say?”
“You said that can’t happen, not on my watch.”
“And what happened next?”
“And then—and then I ran up and hit him. In the temple, while he was standing. He was dead already. But I hit him again on the ground in the same spot.”
“And then you said…”
“ ‘There ain’t any watch here but mine.’ ”
“So is ‘four’ the reason you did it?”
“I did it because I could and because I had worked for something and I didn’t want you all to come destroy it. I wanted you to know who I was. I think I did it because I wanted you to see who I was and how things were here.”
“What else?”
“I did it because I didn’t want to be afraid,” Thurwar said. “I didn’t want my Chain to be afraid of anyone but me.”
“So because you were afraid. And that wasn’t the first time you’d done something like that. Just blasted someone from this earth because you felt like you needed to.”
“No.”
Thurwar stood up but did not move.
“It’s the Circuit, so people turn up dead all the time. We’re used to it. If it’s not us, then we move on.”
“Relax, Retta, I’m just talking. But the reason I bring this up, the reason I’m remembering that today on my last BlackOut is—look at who is in front of you now. That story sounds like it’s about somebody else. Sounds like you can’t believe Loretta could be the one I’m talking about. But I seen it with my own eyes. Daze died before he could even wipe the confusion off his face. And now she’s about to be the Grand Colossal and she would never do nothing like it. And I ain’t change her. Shit, I was scared as shit. But she changed and I changed and I’m proud as shit.”
Sunset Harkless walked from his place opposite Thurwar and they stood face-to-face.
“Loretta, you done some terrible things, but I’m proud of who you are right now. What I want for you is to see what you’ve done and forgive yourself.” Sunset wrapped her up in a hug; her arms were limp. She squeezed her eyes shut. “If you can forgive yourself, you’ll do what you need to do, here and after High Freed.” He let Thurwar go.
“That’s the real High Freed, goddammit. If I ain’t take what I’ve taken and kill who I’ve killed, goddammit, I’d be a preacher.” Sunset chuckled and looked at the rest of the Chain. “You forgive yourself, you’re High Freed. That’s what I want for y’all. Forgive yourself, then you can start working on everybody else. Do that for me while I’m gone, okay?”
The Links said nothing. They sat there quietly for a long while then.
“I’m heading to bed,” Randy Mac finally said. He looked at Staxxx, who nodded at him, silently saying she would join him soon. Thurwar saw this and left for her own tent, which she disappeared into quickly. The rest of the Links tucked into their tents or sleeping bags, found sleep. Sunset waited at the fire with Staxxx.
“Follow me, Hamara,” Sunset said as he got up, pulling his sword out of the ground. He kicked a bucket of water on the fire, unleashing the dark more fully, and then he walked away from the Camp.
Staxxx picked up her scythe. They walked in the dark, Staxxx just a step or two behind Sunset. Sun, who had protected her in the games until it had become time to protect him. Sun, whose crimes were supposed to be unforgivable and yet here she was, his friend. They got to the edge of their range. The place where their confinement became a physical pull. Staxxx leaned back against the invisible wall, which slowly angled her toward the ground until she caught herself by stepping back. Sunset smiled.
“Don’t lose that, the fun part.”
“I am the fun part,” Staxxx said, and she meant it, but also she was afraid. The look in Sunset’s eyes made her feel as though she was seeing a part of him she’d never seen before. A real raw calm. He was jovial and animated usually, but it always felt to her like it was something he had to summon. She gripped the shaft of LoveGuile, then released. She laid the weapon on the ground.
“I have something I want to tell you. Something important. You know I have my ways of getting info.”
“What ways?” It was true that Sunset always seemed to know a little more than everyone else.
“It doesn’t matter now, but the driver we’ve had the last couple months used to be my in-law. He told me something I think you’d want to know.”
“What is it?” Staxxx wasn’t sure she wanted to know, but she knew that she had to.
“I can tell you, but only if you do something for me,” Sunset said.
“I have too much anxiety for this, Sun, what’s—”
“I’m serious, Hamara. It’s important. It’s about you and Loretta. I just need you to do something for me. Will you do it?”
Staxxx and Sunset stood on the edge of their containment in a wildness that the world did not have the privilege of watching.
“Yes, I will.”
“I’ll tell you and I can’t untell you, you understand?”
“Tell me.”
Sunset put one of his large, callused hands on Staxxx’s shoulder. “I’m sorry for this.” Staxxx was already crying. “After you make Colossal, they’re going to change the rules. Next season, after your and Retta’s next doubles match, it’s gonna be only one Colossal allowed per Chain.”
Finally. Finally, the worst thing was here. Finally they’d found a suffering they’d never top. She listened.
“Any exceptions have to meet on the BattleGround. I’m telling you because, crazy as you is, I know you can hold it. Loretta, I don’t know what she’ll do. She holds all of it in and I don’t know how much room she has for this.”
And even with her life shattered in front of her, Staxxx felt the calm terror of separating from herself, of watching herself unfold.
Sunset put a hand on her head; his fingers slipped through her locs and touched her scalp as he brought her into a hug.
“Thank you for letting me know,” Staxxx said. She tried to push him away. She wanted to find Thurwar, but he would not let her go.
“Wait, Hamara. Please. I need you right now.”
Staxxx swirled. Her new life born of this sudden truth strangled her. “I can’t. I won’t.”
“I know it’s impossible but also it’s obvious. The way they are. They wouldn’t let it be. You two have already done something so special. You’ve shown them we are just like them. You reminded them we’re all just people, so they had to snuff it out. And now you have to decide what you’ll do.”
“Fuck you.”
“I’m sorry to do it. It’s a bit more selfish from me. I’ve been selfish a long time.”
“You two are the only family I have,” Staxxx said, wanting to disappear. She could do it. She could bring the long sleep. That’s what she would do.
Sunset spoke her thoughts but claimed them for himself. “Now I want you to kill me,” he said.
Staxxx pushed him away again.
He let her go, stood there with his hands at his sides, a small smile, his eyes on the ground.
“I’m asking here. I need the help. If you say it was Gunny they won’t protest.”
“I refuse,” Staxxx said.
“I know you wouldn’t do that. I’m sorry. I don’t know, Ham, I’m desperate here. My freeing day is this coming BattleGround. I won’t see the new season. And I ain’t going out to the world.”
“What do you want me to tell the group? How do I explain it? I refuse,” Staxxx said.
“I need you, I—I just need some help. All this killing, but somehow I don’t have it in me.”
“What about forgive yourself? What about all that you was just saying?” She understood completely but still she needed to hear him say it. “Why are you asking this now?”
“Because I’ve done what I was supposed to do. I’m done with this life.”
Staxxx was not satisfied and her dissatisfaction was loud on her face.
“ ‘Do as I say, not as I do’?” Sunset laughed. Sunset could always laugh. “I’m not going back out there. You know what I’ve done. I’ve hurt so many. I’m not the man they remember. But I don’t have it in me to prove that. I just cannot speak to my daughter about who I was. I can’t explain to her who I am now. I’m sorry. I do not forgive myself. I will not. And I will not force anyone else to have to consider forgiving me either. I’m not sure what I deserve. But I can’t go back outside. I want better for y’all. But I know my limit. So I want you to take this sword and help guide my hand. I’ll help you, but I need some help too.”
“Why not let it happen on the grounds?” Staxxx begged.
“I ain’t brave enough for that,” Sunset said. “I know it’s not right to ask, but I’m not sure I’ll have this brave with me on those grounds. I’m scared I’ll do what I always do, kill as I always have. Please, Hamara. I’ve thought on this.”
This was her life. Her purpose. To sow a hard kind of love into the world. She was there to help people do the things they couldn’t do themselves.
“You just have to help guide my hand,” Sunset said. “I’m not asking anyone for grace. I don’t want them to have to think any kind of good of me. Tell them I did something to deserve it. I just ain’t going back out there.” He smiled again and began to weep. “I ain’t upset. I’m tired. I’m happy to get to rest.”
He brought his sword to his neck.
“Please guide my hand,” Sunset said.
And Staxxx walked behind him. He dropped to his knees. The blade was pressed to his throat. “I love you,” he said to the world and to Staxxx and to his daughter, to everyone he had ever hurt and all those who had hurt him.
Sunset Harkless held the blade and Staxxx held his tough knuckles. As Sunset pulled, Staxxx let him go. He pulled through and across and his life flowed, flowed out of him. And Staxxx held him, at his chest, as it happened, rather than the blade, because she knew what he wanted and needed was to be held.
