Song- All that really matters, ILLENIUM, Teddy Swims
As I enter the house, I discover Zara fast asleep in our bed. I leave the bag on the nightstand and crawl into bed, wrapping my arms around her.
This changes everything but also nothing at the same time.
I never had any intentions of having kids again. I wasn’t looking for it.
She is the only reason I wanted a baby, because it’s her.
She rests her hand on my neck and lets out a little snore.
I look down at her ringless finger and stiffen. I know she’s teasing me, pushing me to get down on one knee.
She always keeps it in the box in her drawer. I carefully reach over to take it out of the box and slip it back where it belongs.
“You’re here,” she says in a sleepy haze.
“You need to pee yet?”
She laughs, rolling on her back.
“I could, yes.”
She yawns and stretches out. Even like this, with mussed hair and tired eyes, I’ve never seen a woman more beautiful than my Zara.
I pat her on the ass, and she rolls out of bed dramatically. I follow her in and give her the test.
She stands in front of the toilet and gives me a flat stare. “You don’t need to watch me pee.”
I ignore her and kick the door shut with my foot.
When she takes the test out of the packet, the room suddenly feels suffocating. My hands are all sticky. I rest my back on the cool tiles, hoping it tempers this new fever in me.
“I’m scared.” She looks up at me with her big eyes brimming with tears.
I won’t tell her, but so am I. I imagine for completely different reasons.
“Is this even a safe time to have a baby with what’s going on?” She sniffles as I stroke her face with my thumb.
“Baby, no one will ever get close enough to our child to harm them. They will be the safest person in the city. I promise you that, dolcezza.” I mean every single word. I won’t be repeating the mistakes of my past. Even if it means sacrificing myself. Zara and our baby will always be my priority.
“I can look after them, too, you know.”
I nod and smile at her. I have no doubt. With that kind of fire behind her eyes, she will make a wonderful and fierce mother.
“Has it been two minutes yet?”
With the sound of my heartbeat filling my ears, I pick up the test. My fingers tremble slightly as I hand it to her.
She lets out a shaky breath before she looks.
Her hands cover her mouth, tears well in her eyes. I know what it says before she utters the words.
When she flips it around, two pink lines stare back at me. Without thinking, I lift her into my arms, hiding my face in her neck as she sobs against me.
I never got the chance to be a father, to be a husband. I’ve spent the last ten years running from these thoughts. I buried those dreams the same day I lost them.
And now, they’re creeping back and it hurts as much as the day they died. Like a fucking spear through the heart.
The only thing that stops me from spiraling is Zara. Yet, I’ve never felt so out of control in my life.
“We’re having a baby, Frankie. We are really fucking do this. Are we crazy?”
“Yes, we are crazy, in the best possible way.”
Now she really can never leave me. I can’t shake this feeling, this voice screaming at me that we can’t have this. I don’t deserve it.
And maybe I don’t. That won’t stop me from taking it, anyway. It only gives me the determination to finally end this war, and with Zara by my side, we can take over the world.